Too Few Rounds in the Rink and Not Enough Settled Scores
by lee.s.pluto
Summary: After the Giant War, Nico has to face his mental scars. Will wants to help him. Will needs to help him. Solangelo. (aka i love the idea of basing plots around song lyrics) (title from irresistible by fall out boy. chapter titles from round and round by imagine dragons)
1. we are all living the same way

Here are my thoughts; history repeats itself. It always has and it always will. There is no avoiding human nature. So why did I bother trying?

It was like the Titan War, part two. For a few days, people were like, _oh my gods, Nico, thanks for saving our asses and being a total bro!_ But then aftewards they just went _oh. hey Nico._ And not long after, they said nothing at all.

There were the three days in the infirmary. Which wasn't awful, technically speaking. I was given enough space that I wasnt choking, and no one bugged me much.

I saw plenty of Will, and my stomach kept that queasy nervous feeling that doesn't even bother me, whatever it is supposed to mean.

But still. It felt lacking. I felt empty. Maybe it was because I hadn't so much as held my sword those days. Maybe I felt stuffy.

So when I finally was freed, given only the instructions to 'be careful not to reopen those scratches on your arm,' my first item of business was to go to the training center.

Holding my sword warily, I took a deep breath. It was surprisingly hard, getting back to this, after knowing I've been lazing about. After knowing my skills have deteriorated.

But still, I went at it. And I kept going for a while, at least until I heard someone comment, "isn't it a little soon to practice, so soon after getting out of the infirmary?"

I instantly whipped around, sheathing my sword. Before me stood Jason, grinning, though grief still was prominent in his eyes. I had to admire his strength; he was much closer to Leo than I was, and still he was able to smile. Everyone was able to fight through their grief, whenever they got it.

Why couldn't I?

I shook the thoughts aside. "Hey, Jason," I greeted, offering a small nod.

"Hey Nico. I stopped by to let you know I was going to head to Camp Jupiter with Piper today to get started on my project. I'll be back in- oh, two weeks? Just before school starts to wrap up the summer, and I'll be back off to California for school. So. I'll see you soon!"

I smiled weakly. "Yeah. See ya." I watched his retreating back for a little bit, and then turned to resume practice.

I practiced all the way through lunch, something I didn't realize until another voice called out, asking "Nico? How long have you been practicing?"

I turned to see a concerned Percy, holding hands with an equally worried Annabeth. I felt a yank of jealousy. No, not over Percy. That was over. But I wished I had someone like they do. And that I wasn't hated for it.

"Um." I paused. I couldn't lie. It was too late. "Since eleven thirty."

"Take a break," Annabeth suggested. "That's not healthy."

I shrugged, looking away. "I just. Hadn't practiced in a while. I guess I should get back to my cabin. I can practice later." They nodded, and gave me a smile, and walked away.

Like everyone always does.

I wilted a little, and trudged back to my cabin, avoiding the few gazes who stared, and all too aware of the wide gap around me as people went out of their way to avoid me.

I kept my head low and slipped into the dark Hades cabin. Being cooped up inside just added to my frustration.

I paced the small building in furious, fast-moving laps, scowling in a restlessness I couldn't pinpoint the cure to.

A frown was prominent on my face, even when the horn blew for dinner and I went to eat.

After eating what I could (though it was true I couldn't eat much), I swiftly stood and strode away, deciding to take brisk laps around the camp instead to release my pent up energy.

Walking through camp, I kept a hand on my sword and a small scowl on my face. I wasn't sure what had me so restless, so angry, so wound up, but it happened. And now I couldn't sit. I couldn't stay still. I couldn't listen to the buzzing of conversation.

I growled in frustration, scratching furiously at my scalp. My limbs were tense. Suddenly, the horn blew, and I remembered; capture the flag. I released an uninterested grunt, but attendance was mandatory so I headed towards the woods.

As it turned out, I was on the blue team, which, this week, was led by the Aphrodite cabin, and we were against the Poseidon cabin, leading the red team (of course- what other color team would there be?).

Realizing that the Aphrodite kid who had been put in charge had been talking, I zoned back in with a bored scowl. "And. Uh- um. H- Hades cabin w- will also be t- taking border patrol," the guy stammered out, glancing at me fearfully.

I rolled my eyes at his totally terrified expression at having to- _gasp!-_ speak to me like an actual human being! At least border patrol resulted in me fighting some kids. I'd hopefully feel better afterwards.

I exhaled in boredom, but thank the gods when it's suddenly time to start, and I was standing by the stream, cracking my fingers and waiting for action.

There's almost no action all night. The most I'm given are three Hermes kids who I knock out pretty swiftly.

In fact, I don't even see someone take or deliver a flag. A horn blows, signalling a game won, and I go to the rendezvous to discover Clarrise lifting the red team's flag triumphantly over her cheering cabinmates. I sighed quietly, not caring much. I didn't do much.

I found my gaze wandering to my left, to where the red team was mourning. Percy looks crestfallen- and really, he was a great strategist, so I'm shocked Clarrise beat him, though he did focus mostly on solo or small group strategies. Around him are the Athena cabin, the Apollo cabin, and some others.

I found my eyes locked on a blond medic, and when I realized it, I flushed and snapped my head away.

I supposed it was best to celebrate with my cabin, so I joined the crowd. The demigods around me glanced at me nervously, gave a small smile, and shifted away. I felt my shoulders slump.

We were all living the same way. Lots of people avoiding me. I didn't want to be avoided. At this point, it was just a fact of life.


	2. we are escaping the same way

I grabbed a fist of my own hair, tears welling in my eyes for some reason I couldn't pinpoint as I tightly closed the door to my cabin.

I took a few deep breaths, and I was calmer than before. Not fine, but I wasn't crying, and I felt only restless, so I paced my room long into the night.

When morning came, I was actually relieved to go to breakfast, despite it meaning a meal surrounded by people who disliked me.

Yeah, yeah, I knew I sounded like an edgy piece of shit. "Everyone hates me" this and "I'm so unwanted that" that. I wanted myself to shut up, too.

But I couldn't, so I figured I may as well have gone off to train. As I stalked out of the dining pavillion, and off to the forest, I mentally thanked the gods that I had been able to find some of my dark t-shirts from last time I stayed at camp in my cabin so I wasn't prancing about in a tourist button up.

I walked by the sword training area, and almost instinctively turned to approach it. No, no. I needed to actually fight something. Something breathing. Something with a brain that knew how to fight, so I wouldn't fall asleep training.

I drew my sword and entered the forest. It took only a minute or two for the first monster to find me; merely a myrmeke, though it took a moment's hesitation to place what kind of beast the ant was.

It took a few slashes and one finishing cut for the monster to turn to dust and I could go find another one.

I wasn't sure how long it took for me to go to autopilot, but eventually it did. And my mostly empty brain cursed me for it, sending me memory after memory to fuel my adrenaline.

 _"Where's Bianca?"_

 _Silence._

I shook the thought away desperately. Quickly, another thought took its place.

 _I shouldn't have convinced him. He's gone now._

 _My knees dug into the ground by the shore of the River Styx. Percy was gone._ _But he did make it out. But he hated me. But I had to help. But my father wouldn't listen._

Again, I banish the thought.

 _Bianca wasn't anywhere to be found. I was even searching the fields of Asphodel, I was that desperate._ _The mist swirled around me. I saw Hazel sitting by a tree._

Even if it gave me a sister, the memory reminded me too much of Bianca. Of her moving on, leaving me behind. Of me losing my older sister forever. I again pushed away the reminiscents.

 _After a very long trip down, I was there. It was stifling hot and everything was red and completely horrifying and unbearable. I always saw my powers as something that helped me, protected me, but children of Hades always were more capable of seeing Tartarus for what it really is._

 _I couldn't breathe the air without gagging. This was a mistake, but someone had to do this._

I desperately shoved away _tha_ _t_ thought. Nothing good could come from that one.

In the far distance, I could've sworn I heard the horn. I payed it no mind, however, and continued on in my fighting.

 _The beasts seemed hesitant to fight me, but I knew it wasn't for fear of death. I knew who they were. What they did._ _They recognized my desolation. They doubted they had any curses to inflict on me, but one attacked anyways, and I fought._

 _And even when I thought I was at rock bottom there were still curses._

I struggled to keep back these memories, but I knew more would come, and I began to let them wash over me while I fought.

I snapped back into focus abruptly.

Hellhounds. A couple of myremekes. More monsters. And I found myself in a dilemma.

I tightened the grip on my sword, ready to kill.

 **Far, far away, people were making comments about the empty Hades table.**

I could only do so much at once, but I knew I had to take down all the monsters to make it out of the situation.

 **They were glancing at the table. Then at Chiron. They were wondering what he would do.**

I took a second to strategize. To decide to go for the closest hellhound first.

 **The centaur looked a bit worried. He thought for a second, and made eye contact wity a camper who immediately stood.**

I attacked. And attacked. I slashed and I blocked and I killed.

 **Chiron nodded, and the camper sprinted off.**

I was escaping the same way I always do; fighting, and killing, and hurting.

 **The camper checked the thirteenth cabin, finding it to be empty. "He's taking risks," whispered the camper. "Really dumb risks."**

I was doing well, but not well enough.

 **The camper was running for the forest. He knew too well.**

I was wounded. Pretty wounded. I was an idiot, but it was worth it. I had almost finished them all off.

 **He crashed through the woods.**

I killed off the last of the beasts when I picked up nearby crashing. I should've caught it earlier.

 **He was almost there.**

I turned to face the newcomer, sword still out. Still ready to spar.

Blood poured down my face fromma scratch. My werewolf scratches pulsed. My pants were ripped.

Will appeared from the bushes, eyebrows furrowed with worry, his eyes meeting mine, looking desperate for some reason.

I vaguely remembered a smiling Apollo kid telling me not to overuse my right arm until the scratches could heal some more. Oops.

"Nico-" he started to say.

I realized I was smiling uncontrollably, swept away by the adrenaline of the fights.

I decided to cut off the blond doctor right there.

"Hey, Will, how's it going," I said dizzily, tilting a little.

And my vision went black.


	3. circling

_Bianca had joined the Hunters of Artemis._

 _I didn't understand, didn't want to, didn't need to. It was Bianca. It was always her and me._ _At the hotel. In D.C. Before that, too, I'm sure, though I don't remember it._

 _Yeah, it'd be great to get to know the other demigods at Camp. To find out who my godly parent is. Get more information on my past. But Bianca was always going to be there, no matter what. My sister and I stuck together._ _She would help me._

 _But apparently not. Apparently, Bianca could gently tell me that she could fit with the Hunt better than she could fit with the campers. I could fit with the campers._ _She could fit in with Artemis._

 _Fine, I could play like that. I could also join the Hunt. Running around, fighting monsters forever? Sounds wonderful. I liked this idea._ _Artemis is cool. Great for battle in Mythomagic._

 _No, no, it didn't work that way. I still remember Bianca's soft shaking of her head. Her brown hair reflecting the winter sun. I couldn't join the Hunt. It was a girl thing._

 _So? How was that fair?_

 _Sorry, Neeks. I love you._

 _But. I'm alone._

 _I missed her the second she turned away from me._

/

 _But Artemis was gone._

 _It's my duty, she had gently told me, a hand on my shoulder. It's my duty to get her back. Your's is to stay here._ _Her eyes begged me to understand._

 _But Percy, Grover, and Thalia were going!_

 _Their duty was to find their friend._

 _My duty was to protect you. But Bianca just smiled and shook her head again._

 _No. That is my duty_ _to you, not the other way._

/

 _It had been too long. They were finally back. Percy had a streak of gray hair, and so did the blonde girl he talked about._

 _He glanced my way. He drooped, but I didn't register the movement in my mind. He approached. I looked back at the group._

 _Uh- wh- where's Bianca? I remained optimistic, though._

 _Let's take a walk._

 _I wanted to stay optimistic._

 _I desperately missed Bianca. I missed her and I wanted her back._

 _But I had to believe she was alive._

/

 _I had that dumb action figure. I didn't want a piece of plastic, even if it was the only one missing from my Mythomagic set. I wanted Bianca._

 _I was so furious, so stunned, that I was silent for a little bit._

 _I finally looked up, meeting Percy's gaze as snow fell around us._ _I was cold, chilled to the bones from the wind._

 _The nightmares. They were real. I shouldn't have disregarded them. I should have decided to act on them, on the realness of it all. I should've insisted to go with Bianca. I should've..._

 _She should've..._

 _Percy should've..._

 _Percy had... he had promised._

 _You promised you would protect her._

 _I said it, too, and he visibly winced. He tried, he said, but she-_

 _You promised!_

 _I shouldn't have trusted him. Or anyone. I certainly couldn't stay. I knew for sure, now, though, that she was dead. That she was being judged in the Fields of Asphodel._

 _The skeletons. I brought them, even if I tried to blame Percy. I always did, after all._

 _But I couldn't bring myself to watch him get hurt._

 _I banished them, pushing them underground in one phrase- go away!_

 _And they were swallowed by earth._

 _I wished he was dead. That's what I said._

 _I wished I wished he was dead._

 _I wished for him to be anything but dead._

/

 _I had run away that day. I had run into the forest, where I fell into a tunnel. Where I remained, lost, until finally I stumbled upon a ghost._

 _King Minos, he said his name was. He would help me, he said._

 _I should've known I couldn't trust him._

 _He used me, he lied to me, he treated me the same way everyone else had since Bianca left. I was garbage, and that's how I was treated._

 _A_ _nd Kronos. I almost. I was almost on that side. And I couldn't stand it that it killed me, the thought of fighting against Percy instead of with him. It killed me._

/

 _It was the only way, I argued with myself, watching Percy wade into the River Styx._

 _No. Surely, I could've found an alternative. Surely, there was a less dangerous way. A way in which I don't betray Percy to my father, and still get my information._

 _He barely manages to get out of the River Styx, but I'm practically weeping for joy that he survived. I don't want to think about how he managed. About who he thought of._

 _Deep down I knew._

/

 _He hated me. I know that. But we had to help. We had to._

 _My father wouldn't listen._ _I tried so hard._

 _But I managed in the end._ _We went. We stood our ground, backed by so many skeletons. So many._

 _And brave demigods. Too many gone._

 _Too many like Bianca. It was devestating. It was overwhelming to feel the deaths around me. I felt th exact moment Luke died._

 _I hated the feeling._ _So much it hurt._

/

 _Classic. Really, classic, guys. Pretend to like me for a few days. Weeks. Month or two. That's my reward for helping. That's what I get for sacrificing everything to end Kronos. I lost my sister. I lost any chance I had at being with Percy. And what did everyone else do?_

 _Slowly drift. Slowly retreat._ _Slowly stop caring about me. Slowly push me to the side. Slowly stop saying hello, stop asking me to train with them, stop suggesting we work together for capture the flag._

 _Slowly leave me alone, head circling._


	4. we are a part of the same play

Something about this was familiar, I decided. I was lying in a white bed with curtains around it. My sword was leaning against the wall.

My right arm was heavily bandaged and my forehead, when I gently touched it, also had a cloth bandage wrapped about it.

Suddenly, a recollection of the events- yesterday? This afternoon? Who knows how long it was. A recollection of the events preceding this moment brought itself forward in my mind.

Restlessness. Training. Fighting. The forest. Monsters. Overwhelming memories. Turning to see Will. His very blue eyes looking very confused. Everything going black.

I frowned. Footsteps approached and Will's voice started to speak just beyond the curtains.

"I'm gonna check in on Nico," he said. I quickly looked down at my hands, ashamed, as he stepped into my small area.

 _I just left this place. He must think I'm an idiot for landing back in the infirmary so soon._

"Oh, good," chirped the son of Apollo. "You're awake. We brought you in this afternoon and it is now currently evening. It's been five-ish hours."

I kept staring at my pale hands.

"Is it alright if we do a check up real fast?" I glanced up at him long enough to nod, before breaking eye contact again. I didn't want to look at him long enough to find the telltale signs of disappointment. "Great. So. First some questions. When'd you last eat? Assumably before lunch."

I thought back for a moment before speaking softly. "Breakfast."

"What all did you have to eat?"

"A piece of fruit."

"What kind?"

I thought for a long moment. It was... either an apple or a banana, I was sure. Or was it a pear? I shrugged. "Don't know."

"How many monsters had you fought in the forest?"

I merely shrugged again, feeling bad for probably causing a bit of frustration.

"Can you name any of them?" Will asked, though he seemed to have a good idea as to what my response was going to be.

"Um." I thought, eyebrows furrowed. "Some myremekes. I think a hellhound or two? Some others, I'd guess, but I can't remember what, exactly."

Will nodded. "How have you been feeling lately?"

I started to instinctively say "fine," but I was interrupted before I could say much more than "f".

"Don't say fine, it's obviously not true."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, then. I've been feeling... angry or frustrated for no reason. More often I feel empty, nothing, et cetera, et cetera. Most often, I'm restless."

Will nodded again and scribbled on his clipboard. "And. What was going through your head while you were in the forest?"

"Memories."

"Memories?" I nod. "What sort?"

"Um. Some of my worst. Bianca... dying. The Titan War. Giant War. That sort of stuff."

Will, again, nods.

"Listen. It's an imperfect science, and I can't say I know for a fact, but I'm pretty sure you have depression and slash or PTSD."

His words

hang

in the air.

After a long silence, he offers me a miniscule smile. "It's not mecessarily cureable but it is treatable. It can get better."

It was the next morning when I got out of the infirmary. I was stopping at my cabin to change, and in fact had just replaced my shirt when a screen of water appeared before me, showing Hazel's smiling face. She did, however, look wary.

"Hello, Hazel," I said softly.

Her eyes immediately snapped to my forehead. "Nico, what happened?"

"What, this?" I laughed nervously. "I was out in the forest training-"

" _Why_ weren't you training where you are _meant-_ "

"Doesn't matter," I interrupted. "I was training in the forest and I got in a little too over my head. Will found me and brought me to the infirmary."

"Found- wait- _you went to the forest without backup?_ "

I avoided her eyes. "Um. Was there a particular reason for this call?"

"Yeah, okay, I'll change the topic but _we are discussing this later, do you understand me?_ " Hazel relentlessly insisted. I nodded weakly. "Okay, so, why didn't you tell me not to tell Jason and Piper about how different Leo's death felt?"

I stiffened. " _Hazel._ " I gave her a Look.

"Listen, can you blame me? You didn't tell me, and now they know and insist on looking for him."

"I need to stop them- get them. I can't let them make my mistake."

"I can't," Hazel said apologetically, regret in her eyes. "They already left. They're not sure where or whe-"

For the first time in my memory, the Iris message filled with static inputs, breaking up the call before shutting off completely.

"What? I- no!"

I groaned in frustration, leaving my cabin and speeding off to the training center.

I could understand why Jason and Piper cared so much; not only could I relate with my experiences with searching for Bianca after _her_ death, but I had actually, quite unnoticed, grown fairly close to Leo during my time on the Argo II. Closer, at least, than some of the seven got to him.

But I already learned my lesson on getting hung up on deaths. You can't.

Suddenly, I realized that in my moments lost in thoughts, I had completely shredded the dummy I was sparring.

I took a shakey breath and moved on to another one, sparring intensely.

"Please tell me you went to lunch at a different time than I did, and that's why you're sparring right now and not eating," Percy's voice said.

I turned and saw him, twirling Riptide in pen form on his fingers. "Um. No. I haven't."

He gave me a disapproving look.

"I'll eat after I finish perfecting this move, 'kay?"

He continued to give me the same look. "Fine, but I'm staying to make sure you actually do."

I rolled my eyes but didn't bother protesting, instead choosing to keep training.

But I didn't get to continue long before I was dragged off to lunch, where I astonished Percy by eating a small handful of grapes, and nothing more.

"You need to eat more," he called to me as I left to continue training. I had to get better if I wanted to avoid another incident like the woods.

I ignored the son of Poseidon as he called after me.


	5. we think we're making our own way

I have to get better. And the only way to get better is to practice. And I needed to practice, so why not do it right away, constantly, as much as possible?

There's not much else I could do, unless I wanted to get bombarded with more memories of the war. I was _not_ planning on fainting in front of another camper, though to be fair I didn't think it was because of the flashbacks.

I was a broken record. Swinging my sword, destroying the training dummies, practicing my sword fighting. Over and over and over.

 **"Hey, Will," someone calls.**

Slash. Slash. Slash.

 **"Hmm?" hummed the child of Apollo, who was about to leave the dining pavillion.**

Cut. Work. Work harder. _Work harder._

 **"I'm worried about Nico."**

I should have fought something real, I decided.

 **"Me too. Any particular reason you say that?"**

My mind subconsciously wandered to the forest. I could give it another shot.

 **"He ate a couple grapes for lunch, and that's it. He keeps training nonstop. He seems distant."**

But I stayed in the training area instead.

 **Will nodded. "I can go check on him, if you want?"**

And I stabbed.

 **Percy shrugs. "You're the doctor. Whatever you think will help. I just want him to be happy. He's like a little brother to me."**

Stabbed.

 **"Yeah, okay. I just need to go put my stuff in the big house, I have a shift at the infirmary later."**

 _Stabbed._

I kept furiously attacking the dummies, until the one I was working on was just ribbons. I spotted an Ares kid, holding her weapon and approaching the training area. She hadn't seemed to really have noticed my presence yet.

 **Percy nodded. "Okay, see you 'round. Thanks for agreeing to check on him."**

"Hey," I called out to the girl. She appeared to be about sixteen. "Want to spar?"

She looked around, as though shocked I asked her, but no one else was nearby.

 **Will waved and nodded and started to walk off to the infirmary.**

Her initial nerves seemed to settle, because her gaze hardened and her fists tightened. "Okay, punk. No mercy, first to yield loses."

I nodded, readying my sword.

 **He had dropped off his bag and was going to look for Nico.**

 _I can't lose. I just can't._

 **He hoped Nico wasn't being stupid.**

The spar begun. And at first it seemed like an even battle. But soon the Ares kid started winning. "Dammit," I muttered.

So I narrowed my eyes and started fighting better.

 **Hopefully he wasn't in the forest again.**

I was gaining on her.

 **There were sounds coming from the training center.**

In fact, I was doing better now. Metal clanked against each other. But I was doing well, despite the scratches and cuts now littering both bodies.

 **He was probably there. Hopefully.**

My arms were stinging lightly but I didn't care. I put my sword up to her neck. Not piercing skin, of course, but showing her I was really the victorious one.

 **Will stepped forward, observing the spar.** **He was there. He wasn't off on a suicide training mission in the forest. Will was relieved.**

She brought up her weapon and twisted my sword out of my grasp, and before I could process anything, she had barreled me over, knocking me to the ground.

"Yield?" she asked.

"No."

 **He watched, fascinated, until she brought her spear down to the side.**

I saw the spear swooping to my left, towards my stomach, and I frantically roll over, away from the spear. Still, it grazed my side.

 **He stepped forward, intending to put a stop to the battle, but Nico seemed intensely into the battle, and seemed to enjoy the excersize.**

I scrambled to stand, plucking my sword off the ground as she slashed again. I hopped out of the way just in time.

 ** _Stay safe._**

My sword met the spear with a loud clang.

 **His breath was hitched. He could hardly stand to watch the fight.**

We kept going at it, strike after strike. I made a jab at her stomach, stopping short. She hit my head with the handle of her spear.

 **He stepped out, calling out to the campers.**

"Hey, I think you guys should- uh- be a little more conscious of the affects these injuries might end up having on you," a voice called out.

The girl and I turned to see Will standing there, watching us.

"Need your boyfriend to save you from defeat?" sneered the girl. "It's all good, I don't wanna fight a wimp like you, anyways."

I glared at her. "As I recall, one of us has experienced T-" I coughed, trying to choke out the word. "One of us has experienced Tartarus, and it isn't Ms. High-And-Mighty."

"Now listen here, you punk-"

"Both of you, shut it! Infirmary, now, to get your injuries bandaged."

I flinched. I was really useless. My third time in the infirmary in such a short amount a time was not good.

I stared at my feet as I trudged after the Ares kid and Will. Then I started to think back on Hazel's information. Jason and Piper knew, then. They were looking for Leo.

But. It's better to just move on. To leave it all behind.

And what had happened to my call with Hazel? It wasn't that she ended the call, or it wouldn't have gone staticky.

I was so deep in thought that I hadn't noticed our location, and ran straight into the Ares kid, who whipped around immediately.

"Do you _mind_ , punk?" she hissed. I simply rolled my eyes.

We were standing inside the infirmary, now, and Will beckoned over one of his siblings.

"Hey, Reese, ya mind fixing up Patricia for me? Training got a bit... uh... intense."

The blonde girl called over nodded. "Sure thing, Will!" Then she turned to the Ares girl, Patricia, evidently, and led her off, chatting happily.

Will turned to me, eyebrows furrowed in worry. "C'mon. I need to talk to you while I fix up your wounds."

I'm just trying to make my own way to being better.


	6. circling (round two)

_I had finally made it out of that hellhole. Out of literal hell. Out of burning flames and endless pain and_ _complete misery and suffering._

 _And I had immediately been shoved into glassware._

 _I felt so closed in. I_ was _so c_ _losed in._ _I only had so much air in this airtight vase. But maybe I would get rescued? No, aside from Hazel, who'd want to rescue me?_

 _Nobody knew me except Hazel, Annabeth, and Percy, and Annabeth hardly counted, as she knew me so loosely._

 _So it was Hazel and Percy._

 _Hazel, of course, would demand her brother's rescue. My rescue. Percy, though? I had previously had so many ulterior motives. The Styx, for instance. He hated me._

 _Additionally, I had lied to him about us knowing each other. And surely, he had regained his memories by this point._

 _I had, of course, the seeds. Those damned seeds. Enough for- what, a few days, tops? The seeds for food, death trance for air. I was a goner, though. It wasn't going to be enough._ _I wasn't going to be enough. I was never enough._

 _I started saying my mental goodbyes._

 _Goodbye Hazel. I'm sorry I was such an awful brother. And that I kept calling you Bianca._ _And that I abandoned you like that. And that I never told you I was gay. I'm sorry._

 _Goodbye Percy. I'm sorry that I was such a coward. That I betrayed you several times. I'm sorry I never will tell you I never hated you. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm-_

 _I was on the ground. Trying to stand. I thought... I heard mentions of Wonder Bread? I tried not to groan but it was so hard. I was somewhat sure that two giants were engaging with some demigods, that a battle was approaching._

 _A girl was dragging me away. And when I could finally see, I could tell that she was no one I knew. I whipped my head around towards the fighting._

 _Percy. And Jason. Both here, fighting together. Hera's plan worked._ _I couldn't believe it actually worked. That the Greeks knew of the Romans, and vice versa. I wasn't the only one, now._

 _I wasn't special now._

 _The Argo II was a strange place to be. They only had eight cabins; one for each of the seven, and one for Coach Hedge. I could have slept with Hazel, possibly. But both of us were a bit too old fashioned for that._

 _Besides, I could hardly sleep after Tartarus. I spent my nights curled up in the crow's nest, trying, and failing, and quite honestly probably waking half of Europe from my nightmares. Other nights, I got an almost full four hours, communicating and walking through dreams._

 _But no sleep ever lasted long, and with that I realized Leo wasn't sleeping much either._

 _Long nights of him working on Festus, myself occasionally speaking, and we grew closer._

 _Even after Annabeth and Percy fell into Tartarus, I refused to take up a cabin. I could hardly sleep in Percy's; I'd bet there were pictures of him and Annabeth. Of him with friends. And I didn't trust myself to not get jealous. To not get over him._

 _And everyone seemed very catious talking about Annabeth to me; they tiptoed around it. As if they- they thought I was jealous of her? Did they know? Did they think I liked her?_

 _Which made the final battle so much worse._

 _It was mostly a blur; my near collapse upon the final shadow travel, hijacking the catapults, fighting next to Jason, Will running over. Touching my arm. Leaning in. Whispering. "Octavian."_

 _My eyes immediately finding the pale blond git. He was at the catapult. I lovked eyes with Will and we ran._

 _Will trying to stop him. A memory, bubbling up. Some deaths are meant to occur. So I stopped Will from telling Octavian what everyone else knew; that he would fly with the missile._

 _Watching him fling up into the sky, cringing at the morbid end I knew he would meet._

 _Realizing what I neglected to calculate. He was headed straight for Gaea._

 _Straight for Leo._

 _It didn't matter that, in the end, it had to be either him or Jason. It still hurt._

 _And it was my fault._

 _And I felt the snap of their lives ending. Like a tight rope snapping apart. And I sobbed later._

 _I locked myself away; no one would want to see me. Not Jason and Piper, who Will surely informed on the true means of Leo's demise. Not Will himself, who truly would hate me for allowing that awful end for Octavian. Not Percy, who Jason must've told about my crush on._

 _No one._

 _No one._

 _I was alone. So, truly alone. Except Jason wanted me to stay. And Percy didn't care all that much that I was gay. And Annabeth outright gave me a high five when I came out. And Will seemed to still be able to see me without instantly hating me._ _But I was still despised, or at least despisable. Right? They were just too nice to outright hate me_.

 _If Jason and Piper knew how my tongue tasted like poison everytime I assured them yes, Leo was dead, then they would hate me._

 _If Percy knew how deeply and truly I really did like him, before I moved on, he would see how much he should and would hate me._

 _I_ _f Annabeth knew how much I cursed her after Bianca's death, that, in my wild search for people to blame, I once chose her, briefly, then she would hate me._

 _I wondered if any of the curses I spat to her or Percy, even if they weren't present, ever came to them in Tartarus._

 _And then_ I _hated me._

 _I hated people._

 _I hated how their emotions and socializing got my head circling._

 _They got my head circling._


	7. you dont have to hold your head up high

I hadn't realize I blanked out until I had snapped out of my memories, tears in my eyes and sitting on an infirmary bed. Will sat across from me, a gentle hand resting on my shoulders.

Bewilderingly, his eyes showed a deep concern. I still was afraid he'd hate me after the incident with Octavian.

"Nico," he said softly. My heart ached at the thought of walking up one day and seeing despise instead of concern in his eyes. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

"Doing what-" my voice was weak. I ckeared my throat and tried again. "Doing what to myself?"

"Training- or claiming to, at least- to the brink of death, or at the very least, very serious injury." Though it was technically a question, he said it much more like a very gentle sentence.

I looked down to the side, unable to look into his eyes any longer. "I- I just- I'm no good anymore, at sword fighting-" At this, he made a noise of indignation. "Not after not practicing so long after the war. Those monsters and the Ares girl shouldn't be a challenge. Not after-" my voice caught before I could say Tartarus. "Not after everything I've been through."

"Hey," he said, and I glanced back up at him. "You're great at sword fighting. And if you want to improve, you could always ask someone- Percy, Jason, Annabeth- any of your friends, really, to help you know."

I pushed my shoulders up in the beginning of a shrug. "I just- I- well, everyone should hate me," I confessed. "After I told Jason and Piper that Leo was dead, I never told them it was different, but then Hazel did, so they'll hate me. And you should hate me for the whole thing with Octavian, and Percy and Annabeth-"

"Woah, slow down." I shifted very slightly, stopping my drabbling words. "First off, I don't hate you for the interaction with Octavian. Sometimes, there's only one way to do things. Second, why would Jason and Piper hate you for not telling them? I'm sure you had a valid reason not to."

"I just didn't want them to have an experience similar to mine when I was trying to bring Bianca back," I muttered. "But they're probably still mad about it."

"How about this; next time you get the chance, explain to them. I'm sure they'll understand."

I hunched up a little, taking in his words. "I- I don't know. I just... what if it doesn't work?"

"It will. Jason cares about you a lot, and Piper seems to think you're pretty cool, they'll understand, okay?"

"But- still, I-"

"Hey, hey. It's okay. I'll help you out with it, 'kay?"

I slumped a bit. "Okay."

"So why are you being so reckless?" he asked. "While you're training, that is. I highly doubt that there isn't some part of you telling you not to do it that way."

I opened my mouth to speak, but quickly realized I didn't have much of an answer. "I guess... because I don't care?" I offered.

Will's eyebrows creased, but he didn't seem all that surprised by my answer.

"You... don't care. What is it you don't care about?"

"I- I guess I don't care if I get hurt during training." There was a part left unspoken. _If I die._ Both of us seemed to know it was there, though.

"You should, though," Will said, and he looked a bit more worried than before, something I previously didn't think possible.

"But why?" I asked. "There's no point, anyways. It all ends in death, and either way I'll be stuck doing nothing until the next quest comes 'round and involves me, which it very well couldn't, and then I'd have to wait for the next quest _after_ that, and it keeps going round and round."

"That's not true," Will protested. "There's plenty to do. Did you know about the arts and crafts area here? Have you ever seen the Fourth of July celebrations? Have you gone canoeing before?"

"What's the point?" I asked hopelessly. "What's the point of those? They don't _do_ anything for anyone!"

"Yeah, they do," he answered quietly. "Have you ever seen the way the sun sets on the lake? It's so peaceful and relaxing and it fills you with joy."

"Joy is useless in a world where you're expected to work."

"Have you ever done pottery, or painted, or drawn? It makes it so much easier to release negative emotions in a constructive way?"

"Why bother being constructive when in the end, everything is torn down or decays?"

"Have you ever felt the boom of a firework echo in your chest? It's wondrous and awe-inspiring."

"Wonder and awe are nothing but distractions when everything you need, everything you want, has to be snatched."

Everytime he tried, I shot it down immediately. I couldn't help it; it was just the truth. I expected him to give up. And yet, everytime I said something to bring down his statement, the determination in his eyes grew, and he seemed more insistent on giving another wonder of the world.

"Have you ever read a book so wonderful and true that it spoke to your heart? A book that you thought you could read a thousands times, just to absorb that message?"

"Reading is a waste of time. We have to focus on more important things. We have to continuously work."

And suddenly, I broke. I started to tear up. Then, the water started to spill out of my eyes again. And soon, I was sobbing. "It all is- it's just so- everything is so damn pointless, and I have to pretend to care, and I have to do this, and I have to do that. And I just want a break from it all!"

Will grabbed my hands. "Nico. Look at me."

Very slowly, and very hesitantly, I looked up.

"You don't have to hold your head up high. It's fine to not be perfect, or to be upset. Or anything else. Just- just please _talk_ to somebody. Please."

"But- who would I talk to? I don't want to bother anyone. I don't want them to hate me."

"Nico, I promise that you can always talk to me."


	8. round and round

"I can always talk to you?" I echoed. "About anything?"

"Anything," comfirmed Will. "Anything at all."

And suddenly, everything was bubbling up inside me came to a boil. To an intense, overpowering, violent bubbling, threatening to spill over in hot, angry tears or in dry, brittle hatred.

"Then how about I talk to you about how everything is the same? How everytime, _every damn time_ I do something for someone else, it ends with me still being the same disgusting monster everyone believes a child of Hades is supposed to be?" I spat. I didn't know why I was saying this to him. He never did anything wrong.

Maybe everyone hated me for this; for always taking it out on the first innocent person to offer me help.

"How about I talk to you about how when I first came back to camp after the Titan War, everyone thought I was so _cool_ or whatever, for saving the day by bringing my father, and an army, but when I wanted friends, all I got were shifty side-eyes and flaky excuses?" Will never seemed to do anything wrong. This was unfair- I couldn't just unload on him.

And yet, here I was, doing just that. Unloading all of my shit on him, because I had to ruin someone's life.

"How about I tell you about the time I visited Camp Jupiter for the first time, and people at first thought _oh cool an ambassador for a god! And he brought us a good soldier, too!_ And quickly changed to thinking _oh, gods, not that creep again. I hope Hazel gets rid of him quickly._

"And even after the Giant War, the Romans don't like me. They don't even trust me to be alone in the same room as Reyna." The words kept spilling out of my mouth, no longer in my control. "They don't even trust me to be in the same room as someone I could've killed Zeus knows how many times this summer!"

Will opened his mouth to say something, but now that I was going, I couldn't stop. "And the same thing happened here that happened once before- after the Titan War, everyone was like _oh, wow, he almost died to give us the Athena Parthenos, how amazing!_ But they still refused to make eye-contact. That shit hurts, you know!"

My hands were shaking, a fact I hid by squeezing them into tight fists.

"Nico," Will began to say. "I-"

"How about how by now, I've learned that history always, _always_ repeats itself, and it can't be much longer before even less people talk to me, because once Jason or Percy or Annabeth gets mad at me, or once they get bored, or come to their senses or _whatever_ , they'll start telling every person they can that _oh how gross Nico likes_ boys," I sneered.

"Soon this whole trash can full of demigods will know that _nasty Nico di Angelo used to like Percy._ And everyone will be disgusted, and everyone will forsaken me. Everyone, that is, who hasn't already, and I'll lose everything else I care about."

"Nico," Will tried once more, speaking soothingly. He reached for one of my hands, and I realized that in my anger, I had stood, and pushed myself away from the son of Apollo. "I promise-"

"No," I said, drowning his words in my anger. "No more promises; I should've learned long ago not to trust them- everyone breaks them, anyways. Everyone, everytime. Percy broke his promise when he said he would protect Bianca. King Minos promised to help me, and that nearly got me killed. Every promise, _every single promise_ , ends in pain and broken trust. So don't."

What was he going to do about this? About my emotional trauma? None of this was related to him, so why would I need to trouble him with this?

His gaze was still fixed on mine. "Nico, I know that you-"

I gave him a withering glare. What could he possibly know about me, when no one bothered to acknowledge me at all, much less gather information on me?

"I know that you have had a lot of traumatic experiences, and have gone through awful things," he continued, completely disregarding my glare. "And I can't pretend that I know exactly what you have gone through, or what you've felt. But still, I know that you deserve better than you've gotten."

My legs felt antsy, and I kept fidgeting. And I was restless again.

"Nico, I want to help you see that this life is worth living."

I felt overwhelmed. And suddenly aware of the white noise of the infirmary. And the presence of Death, as it always is in hospitals and such. And I couldn't breath.

And I needed air. I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath I couldn't breath I couldn't breath _I couldn't-_

"Nico," Will's everpresent worried managed to cut in, against the metronome of hopelessness my mind was stuck on.. "Nico, are you okay?"

I _needed air._ I gasped and wheezed, and managed to stumble my way out of the infirmary, and out of the Big House, and I was outside but I _still_ needed more air, and I needed it fast, and my feet were moving faster and faster and I was running, running past the training center and past the cabins and past a few startled campers and towards the forest.

And I was leaning against a tree, the bark digging into my back painfully, and tears were coming out of my eyes at an alarming rate, so that everything around me just appeared to be blurs of green and brown and blue. And I was tearing grass out of the Earth in fistfuls and I was sinking and drowning and I was alone.

I was so, so alone, like I always am.


	9. i wont run away this time

"What'd the grass ever do to you?" teased Will, causing my head to dart toward him.

"Well, technically, it tried to kill everyone and destroy camp," I offered dryly.

"What?"

"You know... grass? Gaea? Earth and nature and shit?"

Will snorted. "Eloquently spoken, Death Kid."

"Don't call me that," I grumbled.

"Fine," he said. "Neeks."

"Don't call me that, either!" I snapped, a quick, searing flash of anger burning through my body.

"Okay, okay, sorry. But for real... are you okay? You just ran away. You didn't say anything before bolting."

"I couldn't breathe," I muttered. I didn't think he heard me.

"You what?" he prompted, leaning a little closer.

"I couldn't breathe," I repeated, louder.

"Ah," he hummed, nodding empathetically. "You didn't have to run, you know."

I looked away, shame prickling at my skin. "Sorry."

"Don't worry, I know you didn't mean any offense or anything. But promise you won't run this time?"

"I won't run away this time," I agreed quietly.

"Okay. Because there's a lot I want to tell you. I want to tell you that people _care_ about you. A lot."

"People care about me a lot or a lot of people care about me?" I asked skeptically.

"Both!" he chirped enthusiastically. "A lot of people care so much about you. They care that you're safe, and happy, and that they can see you."

I said nothing, just throwing him the most doubtful look I could muster.

"It's true!" he exclaimed defensively. "I could've sworn we've been over this!"

"Fine," I surrendered softly, studying the grass once more.

"Why do you keep doing that?" Will wondered.

"Keep doing what?"

"You keep looking away. Breaking eye contact to look at the ground."

I shrugged, still looking away. "It's easier if I don't have to look. It's a lot less personal, like instead of talking to a person, I'm talking to myself."

"Hmm," Will mused. "Interesting. Psychologically. Not abnormal, I'm sure," he added hurriedly.

I shrugged. "I suppose. Maybe. I don't know."

"It's okay, you know."

"What?"

"It's okay. That you are upset. That's completely valid. And your restlessness. And anger. It's all okay."

"I know," I said slowly, though I knew, deep down, that in reality I _didn't_ know, that I was worried that it wasn't normal or okay or whatever. "I mean. I don't. But I believe you. I guess."

Though Will smiled, he still looked worried. Maybe a little sad. Definitely tired.

"What time is it?" I asked, worried I was keeping him from sleep. But it was still light. But the days always are longer in summer.

"It is..." he paused, turning his watch to face him. "3:49 PM."

I relaxed, but still, I was frowning.

"What's the matter?" he asked, catching my expression.

"You look tired. Have I been wearing you out? I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't give yourself so much credit," teased Will. "I was working so much, during and after the war, I've completely thrown off my sleep cycle. I haven't gotten a proper night's sleep in two-ish weeks, I'd say."

"You should get more sleep," I remarked.

"Considering this is coming from the boy with huge ass bags under his eyes, I think I'll take the suggestion with a grain of salt."

I glared. "It's true, and you know it. You're a doctor, after all."

"Technically, I'm not a doctor yet," Will countered. "And regardless, I have a proposition."

"A proposition," I echoed.

"Y'know, like a-"

"I know what a proposition it," I snapped, cutting him off. "I'm not a complete imbecile."

"Okay, okay. So, here's the deal; you stay at camp, at least for the rest of the summer. After the summer ends, you can leave without me stopping you. However, in the meantime, you need to do stuff I approve of. Like, camp activities other than training. And you need to come in and get a check up twice every week."

"Wait, wait, wait," I said rapidly. "Let me make sure I got it all down. I stay for the summer. I get checkups twice a week and do camp stuff. Then, I can leave if I want."

Will hesitated a second, thinking over it all. "Yeah. That's it."

"Deal," I agreed, before adding on hastily, "But only if you agree to also try to get more sleep."

"Easy. Deal." We shook hands. "And- let's not swear on the River Styx," he added nervously.

I flinched, recalling my ventures to that same place; times on my own, to do research to help Percy, just passing by, and once with Percy present to give him the curse of Achilles.

"I just- you know, in case you change your mind, or if- well," Will drabbled on nervously.

"Sounds good," I said, cutting him off. "Just- don't betray my trust. I don't give my word to just anyone. Don't make me regret it."

Will's gaze was sincere, and his blue eyes had an unsettling ability to make me more agreeable. And yet I didn't mind. His company was, scarily enough, very similar to how Percy's used to feel, back when I liked him. Perhaps less prominent. I could ignore it, surely. But regardless, I felt vulnerable and unprotected, something that definitely scared me.

"C'mon, we should get back to the infirmary. You still have some wounds that need to be patched up, and we should probably get you to your first checkup."

"Oh joy," I replied monotonously, causing Will to give a small laugh.

"Let's go, you dork."

And with that, he gently led me back into the sun, towards the Big House. And I thought about my deal, and I hoped it would work.

/

 **A/N**

haha, sorry it took me so long to write such a short chapter. i hit a bit of a block. but anyhow, its up now. thanks to the people who left a review, and to the people who have followed/liked/whatever the book, it really encourages me and makes my day!!


	10. till you show me what this life is for

Being a son of Apollo, and having the aid of nectar and ambrosia, Will healed my wounds relatively quickly, though he was worried about infection due to my outdoor breakdown.

The checkup went with little to no remarkable incident; in fact, I remembered, he did a similar check when I was grounded to the infirmary for three days.

But it was all over pretty quickly, and I was soon released to go off to lunch. Which means I was released to go stare at a table and pretend to eat more than precisely five kernels of corn, boiled and off the cob.

Occasionally, I could feel a set of eyes on me; almost always Will, though Percy and Annabeth would also shoot me a worried glance or two. It seemed as though the three had been talking about me, and I think it made me mad. I was debating to myself whether or not I was upset about it, and if it was okay if I was.

I was jolted out of my thoughts suddenly with the appearance of Percy and Annabeth at my table. They sat.

"Go on and take a seat," I said dryly.

"Nico," Annabeth started, before trailing off. She looked at Percy, who looked back. She furrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head and he responded with some other random body language shit that I couldn't understand, that no one understood, something that seems to only come through the trauma of going through Tartarus with a second person.

Finally, they ended their silent conversation. I was prepared for them to pry; it doesn't mean I wanted them to, I just had short and brittle answers ready.

"Nico, remember when Hazel was IMing you?" she said finally.

"Yeah. What about it?"

"What exactly happened? Like, not what you talked about. But how the call ended," Annabeth asked.

"Mmm," I hummed, thinking. My brows were furrowed. "I can't quite remember. We were bickering, and I turned my back for a second, I believe. And then her voice cut out, and the call was gone."

Annabeth frowned, looking thoughtful. "How do you feel about going to go hunt down Iris, babe?" she asked Percy.

"I'd rather not, but I suppose I have to," Percy said, and I think he was half joking.

I could tell I was no longer needed there, so I waved and headed out of the dining area, booted out of my own table. I snorted at that and wandered off, looking around at the camp.

I wasn't sure what I was planning on doing- maybe go sit in my cabin silently for a few hours- when I heard footsteps, and I whirled around to face them.

Will. _Again_.

"Haven't you bothered me enough, Solace?"

"Nope," he chirped, completely unfazed. I rolled my eyes. "I was just coming to check on you. How're you?"

I shrugged noncomittedly.

"C'mon, what kinda answer is that?"

"The one where everything is the same," I offered dryly.

The blond boy scruched his eyebrows. "That's not true. Nothing's the same. The temperature is different, your age is different, your position in life- you and everyone and everything around you has developed immensely since yesterday."

I threw him a skeptical glance- something not very difficult considering what he was saying.

"We've had one more conversation than yesterday's number. I've learned that you're extremely persistent. You've learned something, I am sure."

"I've learned that you're a colossal idiot."

"There!" Will cried, accenting the word with a loud clap. "Not everything is the same!"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, Solace. Whatever. I'm still not convinced."

"Jesus, you're hard to please," he retorted. I couldn't help but blink in surprise; it seemed pretty out of character, but I accepted it all the same. It was, after all, pretty accurate. I was pretty hard to please. "Hey! I have an idea!"

I raised my eyebrows in fake shock. "Really? Now _that_ is a rare occurrence."

"Ouch. That was cold, di Angelo. I was going to say we should go to the arts and craft center! It's usually empty during free time," the son of Apollo explained.

"That's... actually a valid idea," I admitted. It suddenly hit me, though, as we walked to the building suggested, how different the summer was at the end than it was in the beginning. In the middle, even. I started the summer wandering, or on small visits to the Underworld, or occasionally stopping by New Rome. And trying to avoid Percy, which got progressively harder. And then I went to Tartarus. And I spent several days in a jar. And I got over Percy. And now stuff was almost okay, if only for a little bit.

The arts and craft center, which we had now arrived at, was almost completely deserted, save a few Athena kids, which was unsurprising, given her whole goddess of craft and everything. They were, also unsurprisingly, weaving some stuff.

"What should I do?" I asked Will uncertainly.

"Paint," he responded encouragingly. "It helps me calm down and feel more relaxed. Maybe it'll work for you, too!"

I narrowed my eyes and accepted the challenge. I hadn't painted in ages. And last I did, it sucked.

"Okay."

I got together a small canvas, a palate, a few paintbrushes, and a few paints. Catiously, I mixed paints together and started to consider what to put on the blank space before me.

It was a blur of painting, and soon I was staring at swirls of black and gray and angry screams of red. It suddenly felt as though I were spiralling down into Tartarus again.

"Oh, wow, it's been a little while!" Will noticed, putting down his paints. "A few hours! It's almost dinner!"

"Oh," I said in response quietly. "Let's go then."

Will nodded. "We'll come back for these later.

And we left, myself a little bit more optimistic. Just a little bit.


	11. round and round (second)

The small amount of optimism I felt before dinner drained pretty quickly. I had decided to actually attend campfire for once and quite honestly regretted it almost immediately.

Everyone was crazy loud, and I was getting a headache. However, Will had spotted me and asked that I sat with him, eliminating all hopes of escape.

As the Apollo cabin led sing-along, I sulked as best as I could from my well-lit spot. I wished I had my aviators jacket still. When it was finally over, I planned on getting out as quickly as possible.

The crowd was dispersing painfully slowly, so I found myself weaving around the demigods. I was almost out of the area, almost safe, when suddenly I heard my name.

I slowly turned around to face the son of Apollo. "Yes, Will?" I asked, my exhaustion showing plainly on my face.

"I just wanted to know how you enjoyed the campfire, I know you don't usually go."

"It wasn't my scene," I said shortly, turning around to continue on to my cabin. "See you in the morning."

I awoke in the middle of the night, after yet another nightmare. I picked up my sword and stepped out of my cabin, scaling it and climbing onto the roof.

I just sat there for a little while, glad that the harpies had yet to come bother me.

Suddenly, I heard a paper fluttering in the wind, and saw a small scrap land beside me on the roof. I picked it up curiously. A video feed flickered to light- it was Leo, and he was saying something. The vague message was clear; he was alive, he was with Calypso, he was on his way home.

I couldn't help a scowl as I recalled Frank and Hazel's confession to Leo's grand scheme with the physician's cure. "Leo, you genius of an asshole," I grumbled to myself, shaking my head.

After a moment, I started to wonder if I was supposed to show this sort of thing to Chiron, or if this wasn't something I had to show.

Shrugging, I tucking the paper into my pocket and jumped off the roof, climbing back into my cabin. I let out a small yawn, shaking my head as I paced the room.

It felt shockingly fast, the time between starting my pacing and when the sun began to rise. I still wasn't sure if I should show Chiron the paper or not, if I should bother the busy centaur, so I decided to go to breakfast to mull it over there.

I grabbed an apple and sat at my table, biting it thoughtfully. Will sat in front of me. "Morning, Nico! How'd you sleep?"

"Barely slept at all," I confessed. "I climbed up onto the roof of my cabin and this flew in."

I handed him the paper and he watched the video thoughtfully. "He's-"

"Alive, yes," I interrupted, not wanting to alert the slowly arriving campers. "But let's not tell everyone quite yet."

"We should show Chiron," the son of Apollo suggested.

I considered the idea. "Okay," I said after only a moment of hesitating. "I don't know what he'll be able to do about it, though."

Will shrugged, grabbing and peeling an orange. "Maybe a quest will be sent. Maybe he'll do nothing. Either way, it's probably pretty important that he knows about this."

"I suppose," I agreed. "I don't want to bother him, though, so if he's busy I'll leave."

I stood and went to throw away the apple core as I left, paper in hand. Will stood behind me and followed. I glanced back at him suspiciously.

"I want to see what Chiron says," he tells me defensively. "Is it okay if I come with?"

I rolled my eyes somewhat over-dramatically. "Yeah, sure."

"Thanks," Will chirped in response, giving a smile that told me that he already knew he was coming with me.

I shrugged and turned forward again. "Whatever," I said, but I couldn't help but feel a flutter in my stomach as his smile continued to flash behind my eyes.

I pushed the image away forcefully, scowling at the ground as I mentally berated myself.

It was a short, silent walk to the Big House, which I managed to complete several steps ahead of Will, despite the height advantage. I slammed the door open and stepped inside, glowering as my eyes adjusted to the relatively darker room.

Chiron was sitting in his wheelchair, firm in front of Rachel, who had a mildly worried expression on her face.

After a moment or two of staring at them, and of them staring at me, Chiron finally spoke.

"Ah, Nico. Will. How may I be of assistance?"

"Uh- I just, um. Sorry to interrupt. I found this paper this morning." I pulled out the item and handed it over.

I stepped back by Will, crossing my arms and staring out a window. I listened distractedly to Leo's message for what might have been the billionth time that day.

My thoughts churned violently in my head. Round and round. What if Leo blamed and hated me for his death? Gods, he was going to detest me.

I was snapped out of my distressing thoughts as Chiron held out the paper. "Thank you for showing me this," he said. "Unfortunately, I don't think there's much we can do. As I understand it, Iris' messaging system is down."

"Yeah, Percy and Annabeth went to go find her," Will added.

"Well, they're _trying_ to. I couldn't spout a dumb prophecy so they're just looking around where they saw her earlier in the summer," Rachel explained. Her face was flushed and she seemed a bit upset.

"Is- is there a problem with the Oracle? With my dad?" asked Will hesitantly.

"Nothing that any campers need to be worried about," Chiron said briskly. "Now go off, do some activities. And remember, Will, you're due for cabin inspections tomorrow."

The son of Apollo blabbered something about remembering or something and then left, leaving me to trail after him.

Once outside, he turned to me, eyebrows still furrowed and worry shining in his eyes. "Hey, the Apollo cabin is supposed to climb the wall today, want to join us?"

"Uh- sure, but are you okay?" I asked softly, glancing away uncomfortably.

"Yeah, I'll be okay. I'm just a bit worried about my dad. Now c'mon, bet I'll beat you!" Will took off sprinting, not waiting a response, forcing me to sprint after him.

 **A/N**

wow its been a hot second, hasnt it? im really sorry for the delay, but i swear im not abandoning this. i will finish, i just lost motivation for a little bit. idk if anyones still reading but yeah, it will be completed, i have a plan and everything. also i reread the whole thing so far and im super sorry about the typos :( im writing this on my phone and all the old drafts are deleted, so i dont think i can fix it but ill try to be more careful now haha


	12. im not gonna let you change my mind

Turns out Will _would_ beat me to the rock wall, but he couldn't beat me to the top.

I tried not to think about the rest of the Apollo kids, or what they thought of training with me, and I definitely tried to ignore the kid who flinched when I grabbed a rock next to them.

The day passed swiftly, with me following Will's cabin like a lost dog. The next morning, the Apollo counselor found me at breakfast, paper in hand. Almost instinctively, I checked my pocket for the message from Leo, which was still there.

"Hey, Death Breath-"

"Nope."

"De-?"

"No."

"Neeks?"

"Absolutely not."

Will stopped talking for a moment, staring at me with what I could only describe as an analytical gaze. "Sunshine?"

"Maybe when Hell freezes over," I snapped back.

"I'll find a nickname for you," Will promised happily, completely unfazed by my ever growing scowl. "Anyways, you seemed kind of uncomfortable following my cabin around yesterday, so I made a schedule you could follow if you wanted. Completely optional, but yeah!"

He handed me the paper and I looked over it. There was only one training session every week, which was with the Apollo cabin. The rest had nothing to do with swords. And I noticed the cabins all seemed pretty mellow. Apollo, Demeter, Hypnosis. The people who, for the most part, simply didn't care enough to actively fear me.

"Thanks," I said after a moment. He had taken time out of his day to think this through so thoroughly, just for me. I looked up and made eye contact for once. "Seriously, Will, thank you."

Will beamed back to me. "You're welcome! It was really easy to make. Anyways, its time for your first activity, so have fun!"

I looked down to see what I was off to do. Arts and crafts, again. Okay. With the Demeter cabin. Cool.

Off I went, and soon I was sitting at a desk, paper before me, and I was drawing. I used to draw a lot, back at school and even a bit when I was off on my own. Hazel and I would draw together a lot when she first got to Camp Jupiter, when she felt left out, alone, and afraid. I couldn't blame her for being afraid, either.

The train of thought blocked out my conciousness until suddenly, I realized I had begun to draw my sister. Suddenly freezing, I tried to pinpoint where to pick back up when I managed to hear something whispered among the Demeter kids.

"Jane, who is that?" whispered a kid I knew to have arrived a couple days (maybe a week) ago. "He's kind of creeping me out."

"That's Nico," came the hushed response. "He's a son of Hades. He kind of creeps everyone out, just ignore him."

Instantly, I felt a billion pounds drop onto my shoulders. All the happiness I felt from Will's efforts at making me feel included dissipated.

I turned back to my drawing, trying to distract myself. I half-heartedly continued my sketching, and soon picked up the pen I chose to line the art.

By the time I had finished my time at arts and crafts, I had a decent drawing of Hazel. I smiled a little. Hopefully she was doing alright. And hopefully she didn't hate me for the argument we had last time we spoke.

And now I was wishing I had never thought that, because the idea began to weigh down on me. And the whispered conversation I overheard, too. I started to force away the negative thoughts- I refused to throw another pity party for myself.

But suddenly, I wasn't in the arts and crafts center; I was standing before the goddess of suffering, in the hot depths of Tartarus.

I jolted out of the thought long enough to make eye-contact with one of the Demeter girls before fainting.

-/-

I was in the infirmary. Again.

Will Solace was hovering over me, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes scanning my face.

"Hey Nico. You were out for about half an hour. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, totally," I responded, forcing myself into a sitting position.

"Have... you been sleeping enough lately?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"How much sleep do you usually get at night?"

I considered the question for a moment. "Probably four hours? Maybe five?"

"W- what?" Will sputtered. "That is no where _near_ enough sleep. I'm surprised it took this long for you to collapse."

I gave him a glare. "It's not my fault," I answered defensively. "I _try_ to sleep, it just doesn't work most of the time."

Will gave a hefty sigh. "Okay. Maybe- alright. I'm gonna have you stay the night, and I'll do a sleep study, and then in the morning you can leave, okay?"

"Fine," I said after a pause, looking away from the medic.

-/-

Sleep studies are really uncomfortable, I soon discovered. I was asleep a little past ten, by some small miracle, and I woke up at about three. After closing my eyes for a while and deciding I could not go back to sleep, I sat up.

Studying the room, I gathered the blankets on my bed closer to me, suppressing my shivers. It was almost completely empty. I ended up sitting in pretty much the same position for three or four hours before Will entered the room.

"Morning, Nico!"

I glanced at him. "Hey."

"I'll study your results and get back to you on them as quickly as possible."

"'Kay."

"You okay?" Will asked, glancing at me as he collected some papers.

"Yeah, it's just- why are you trying so hard to help me?"

Will studied my face, looking confused. "Because I like helping people...?"

"But why _me_? Other people have problems too."

"I'm not gonna let you change my mind," he said, as if already knew the argument I was prepared to have. "I chose to help you because I knew I could help you." He paused, a smile staring to show. "And because you would probably run away if I didn't force you to stay."


	13. til you show me what this life's for (2)

Our conversation drifted to an ending, and I started to think of my escape. I stared stubbornly at Will, my arms crossed. "Can I leave now?"

The medic hesitated, glancing down at the papers he was holding. "Fine. Try to get some sleep, okay?"

"Sure," I muttered, leaving before he could respond.

Once I was outside, I looked around, trying to decide where to go. Metal clanked against metal in the direction of the training area, threats of violence flowed from the volleyball court, and shrieks of mirth drifted over from the strawberry field.

I patted my waist, ensuring I still had my sword (losing your sword is never good for a demigod) and started trekking over to my cabin. Suddenly, the noises of camp life came to a stop; I could hear someone give an actual scream of panic. I turned around, eyes scanning wildly for the cause of the event. Suddenly, I saw it.

Prowling out of the forest, casting a giant shadow, was a towering hellhound, and it definitely wasn't Mrs. O'Leary. My hand flew to my sword as I took in the sight. A strategy half-formed in my head, I charged, sword ready to strike.

I met the beast with several children of Ares beside me, and the time it took to disperse the monster was sort.

As the monster's dust settled around me, I tried not to think about where it was now, of the disgusting bubble it was reforming in. I took a deep breath and managed to recover my bearing. All was well. I wasn't in Tartarus; I was at camp, and everything was fine.

Some Apollo kids were checking everyone, but the supposed attack lasted such a short amount of time that there was no time for anyone to be hurt.

"How did the hellhound even get in?" wondered a camper outloud.

"Chiron said he stocked the woods, but he never puts in _that_ dark of a creature. Someone must've summoned it..." someone suggested, trailing off.

I felt a pair of eyes or two on me and I scowled. If they couldn't trust me, then that wasn't my problem. I turned around and sulked back to my cabin.

Being alone in my mostly dark cabin again was a nice change in pace compared to that surprising rapid-fire series of events. I took a deep breath and sunk down onto my bed, scanning my room.

I was perfectly content being alone. Always alone. Taking another deep breath, I fought off memories flooding back to me.

The corner of my cabin where Hazel slept still had the sheets hanging around her bed. I hoped she, Reyna, and Frank were all doing well. And suddenly, I was thinking about the Iris call, and Percy and Annabeth's quest for answers, and somehow I landed back on the hellhound.

 _"Someone must've summoned it..._

I pondered the concept for a moment. Who? Wouldn't they have just killed it immediately? The campers had been right; Chiron would have told the camp if there were any unexpected monsters being put in the forest.

Whoever it was, I hoped that they were not planning some big rebellion or uprising or whatever. We had all had enough by now- Titans, Giants, I doubted there were any groups left. Except maybe the centaurs, but I doubted they would be up to this.

Maybe it was a training session that got out of control?

I tried to shake the train of thought out of my mind. Chiron will take care of it. This wasn't my business. Whatever.

But still, for several hours more, I sat silently, trying to piece together the puzzle.

A sudden knock at the door jolted me out of my thoughts. I stumbled up off my bed and over to the door.

"Yeah?" I asked, opening my door. It was Will, and I hated that my heart skipped a beat. What? Was I scared or surprised? He was constantly bothering me, so this was no surprise.

"Just wanted to check in with you. I just finished up at the infirmery and heard about the hellhound. Any injuries?"

"No. Your siblings already checked. I'm fine."

"Alright. Well, either way, it's lunchtime. Wanna walk together?"

I was about to politely decline when I saw the glint in his eye. The glint that said 'you're walking with me, whether you like it or not'. I gave a sigh of defeat

"Alright, let's go."

I stepped out of my cabin, pulling the door closed behind me.

Will tried to glance inside curiously, and, when that failed, stared at me silently.

"What?" I asked at last, annoyance clear.

"What were you doing in there? It's completely dark, you obviously never took off your shoes or even your sword, and I'm pretty sure you didn't get any sleep."

"I was thinking." I kept the answer short and started to walk away, going as quickly as I could without running.

"'Bout what?" asked Will after he jogged to catch up.

"The hellhound attack."

"Alright, so what do you think?" he prompted.

"What- you want to know what _I_ think?"

"Yeah. You're smart. Maybe you've figured it out- if not, I'm sure you're on the right track."

Slightly embarrassed by his praise, I caved in.

"Alright. Uh, someone summoned the hellhound- not Chiron. Probably not someone who knows much about camp, because they would've known how quickly the campers would've taken care of it. Unless they just wanted to scare people- or something else."

I was lost in thought again. "Maybe- no, that's ridiculous."

"What?" Will prompted again.

"I don't know. I need more information. Time will tell, I think."

After the silence stretched for a minute, I glanced over to Will, only to see him donning a large grin.

I scowled at him, and he caught the questioning look it hid.

"Sorry, it's just- you genuinely seem to enjoy speculating. It's nice to see you happy- well, sort of happy."

I grimaced, unsure of how to respond, but was saved by our arrival at the dining area. "I'll see you later," I said before stalking off.

 **A/N**

 **i finally finished. sorry im taking so long (if anyone is still reading lmao) schools been really busy but i get out in just over a week so hopefully this summer, updates will increase.**


	14. we are afflicted by fiction

The camp's general consensus regarding the cause of the hellhound attack sucked. A rumor had begun, one that I was at first blissfully unaware of.

I had been sitting in the training area, watching the Ares kids fight, when it finally was brought to my attention, an astonishing two hours after lunch.

"Hey, kid," a fairly new Ares kid called to me. "Stop watching us, creep. I don't want the camp traitor knowing all our moves."

"What the hell," was all I could think to say.

"Everyone knows you organized the hellhound attack."

"You mean the hellhound I helped kill within a minute of its appearance?"

"What other hellhound attack could I mean?" the kid snarled back.

I could tell this kid wasn't so bright, so I dropped it, hoping that it was only this specific idiot who thought I was responsible.

It wasn't until I went to the climbing wall an hour later that I realized this belief was camp wide. There were a few Demeter kids, children of Athena, and even one of the Hypnos campers gathered around the wall.

As I approached, I could hear them mutter.

"Look, it's that di Angelo kid," the Hypnos girl said.

"Isn't he the one who summoned the hellhound?" a Demeter boy asked.

 _Oh my God, shut up about the hellhound already,_ I thought to myself.

"Well, it's not confirmed," an Athena kid answered. "But honestly? It probably was him."

I scowled and gripped one of the lower rocks on the wall, hoisting myself up. _Idiots. Who cares what they think?_

I supposed it really _didn't_ matter what they thought. But I still cared. Maybe it was that I was worried they would tell the lies to Will, or Jason, or Hazel or someone, and I would lose the few friends I had.

Will caught up with me on my way out of dinner, and his look of concern told me he had heard the rumors. I felt my heart sink to my stomach.

"Hey, Nico, how are you?"

"Fine," I lied, looking away with narrowed eyes.

"Has anybody been bothering you lately? I can beat them up if I have to, but I'm obligated to heal them afterwards."

"No, I'm fine," I insisted, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"Alright," he said after a long pause. "Are you going to the campfire tonight?"

"No- I- um, I don't think it'd be a good idea, me going to campfire." After a beat, I added bitterly, "I might scare the other campers."

I could feel Will tense up next to me, before throwing an arm over my shoulders. "Nonsense," he assured me. I glanced at him, studying his expression. He was smiling at me, but he seemed upset. "C'mon, you can sit with me."

"Don't you have to lead campfire? You probably should sit in the middle," I reasoned.

"Remember what I said? No musical talent, what-so-ever, unless you count my whistling."

My eyebrows drew together as suspicion prickled throughout me. "Fine, I'll go to campfire, but we have to sit towards the edge. I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable."

Will brightened considerably. "Great!" he chirped. "It starts in half an hour, so what do you want to do before then?"

I thought for a second before shrugging. "I don't know, usually this is about the time I go lie in bed and stare at my roof, contemplating my reason for existing."

After a few seconds of silence, I glanced at Will and realized he had been staring at me in horror.

"Kidding," I clarified. "I may be some dark son of Hades, but I still have a sense of humor."

He visibly relaxed. I wasn't sure why, but the weight of his arm on my shoulders was fairly calming. I was mo longer terrified of the prospect of campfire; apprehensive? Absolutely. Shaking? Not quite. Close, but not quite.

"Why don't we just sit on that bench over there?" Will suggested, pointing at a stone bench somewhat near to the Hypnos cabin.

"Sure," I agreed quietly.

For the next 25 minutes or so, we simply sat there, ocassionally sharing a few thoughts.

Suddenly, Will stood up. "Time for campfire!" he told me happily, grabbing my wrist and dragging me along.

I stumbled after him, apprehension building in my chest. I felt like my eyes were glued to Will's hand, though, which still gripped my wrist and propelling me along. Apprehension didn't acurately describe my emotions; it was more like an intense show of nervousness. Butterflies swarmed my stomach violently.

 _No,_ I thought firmly. _No, no, no. Hell no._ _I will_ not _have a crush on Will._

I started to squash the butterflies, one at a time, fighting to maintain my composure.

When we got to the apitheatre, Will, true to his word, sat at the edge of the area, leaving us segregated from the rest of the camp.

I struggled to follow along with or even understand their songs, and the ghost stories were awful. I told myself firmly, over and over again that I hated it. I believed it.

At the end of the night, Will and I filed out as everyone said goodnight. We walked towards our cabins until we had to part ways. Then, we stopped for a moment, hesitating to say goodbye.

"So... did you have fun?" he asked me. His bright blue eyes looked down at me hopefully.

I was weak. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I hated the entire experience. "Yeah. It was... cool," I told him after a moment.

He grinned at me. "I'm really glad that you enjoyed it!" Will said. Then he glanced over his shoulder at the other campers, who were now slowly approaching the cabins.

"Sleep well, Nico," he told me. Despite it being such a common goodbye, the way he said it made it all feel more sincere.

"Yeah," I answered. "You too."

Will gave me one last smile and turned to leave, waving over his shoulder.

 **A/N**

 **two** **updates in one week? its more likely than you think.**

 **also i know its super cliché and edgy right now bUT I SWEAR IM WORKING ON IT GETTING BETTER**


	15. building a case for eviction

Just going through breakfast the day after my second campfire was enough to make me completely done with dealing with the other campers. Muttering began almost immediately.

With a scowl, I sat, quickly ate an egg, and then stood again. These kids- they were all freaking idiots. If they wanted to believe I was responsible for the hellhound then-

 _Wait a minute_ , I thought. _Hellhound. They aren't normally in the forest. But didn't I fight one some days ago? When I blacked out in the forest?_

That had to mean something. But as I walked up towards the main table, where Chiron ate, I overheard some words at the Aphrodite table.

"Gods, why doesn't he just leave already?" he heard a girl say. "He's so creepy."

"I've literally had nightmares about him," the girl's half-brother added.

That was enough for me. I spun around and stormed off, clenching my fists. If everybody here hated me so gods-damned much, I would just leave. Let _them_ see what happens when they realized they had misjudged me, and sent me off, ridding themselves of a good fighter.

 _Gods_ I hated those kids.

Back at my cabin now, I started rifling through my stuff, eventually managing to find my backpack I had used for school, back when I attended. I opened it and threw it onto my bed.

For a half an hour, I silently stormed around my cabin, finding something and shoving it into my backpack- there really wasn't much, just some clothes, I think, and, at the last minute, I picked up an old figurine. A Mythomagic figurine.

It was a blond haired man with a drawn bow that had a sickly green arrow ready to fire. Apollo. His plague arrow attack was- well, that didn't matter. But still, I held it, and thought of Will. Then I glowered at it and threw it into my pack.

I considered writing letters to leave to anyone who would care.

 _Dear Jason,_ I thought bitterly. _Sorry I left camp after promising I'd stay. Sorry everyone thinks I'm a traitor. I'll probably never see you again. Have a nice life._

I came across the painting I had made when Will first forced me into the arts and crafts center. Paintings were useless to me, so I left it as it was.

 _Dear Hazel,_ I started. _Sorry for being a bad brother. And that this is the second or third time I've mentally told you this, and yet I'll never tell you in person. But I know you're settled in; you've got New Rome, and friends, and Frank. Sorry about our last argument. Have a nice life._

 _Dear Will,_ was my next letter. I stopped, stunned that he had so quickly come up- Jason, Hazel, and Will. I thought all three names simultaneously. I shook my head and tried again.

 _Dear Will. Sorry I'm going back on my promise to stay for the summer. It's not your fault. Sorry for wasting so much of your time, and being such an awful, boring friend. Sorry that I sorta liked you a little. Have a nice life._

Somehow, adding the _have a nice life_ at the end of each letter made them all worse for me. I wanted to leave, sure, but I still wanted to be a part of their lives. Two clashing wishes, battling each other.

The want to leave would win out. After all, history repeats itself. It's won before, and it'll win again.

Suddenly something had hit me- Will wouldn't know why I was leaving. I was breaking a promise, but not even explaining why. I stopped packing immediately, sitting back down at my desk.

 _Will,_ I started to write on a lined piece of paper. (Where had it come from, again?) _I_ _am sorry to break my promise,_ _but I have to leave camp. I cannot stand being treated as a traitor. I am sorry._

I signed my name at the bottom.

There. Now I could say I gave a reason, that I didn't just bolt on Will. I folded the paper in half and scribbled his name on it.

Was there anything else I needed? Some medical provisions, definitely. I supposed I would just grit my teeth, get through the day, and then, come nighttime... I could run like a coward. Snag some band-aids and leave the note on my way out.

I suppressed a sigh and left my cabin. It was currently morning free time. I wanted to train, but I remembered what Will and I had agreed on. If I was going to break my promise and leave camp, then the least I could do was do my best to follow the rest of the guidelines I had agreed upon. No excessive training. No fighting. No shadow travelling.

So that left me with what? An arts and crafts center to make friendship bracelets in? The lake, so I can canoe alone and probably fall in, soaking myself? The pegasus stable, to drive home the fact that living creatures _detest_ me?

I spotted a stone bench not too far away and sat on it. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the cabin wall behind me. _Gods_ , I was tired of this. Of having to come up with something new everyday.

But I'd just have to suck it up a little while longer.

After my free hour, I watched people pick strawberries (that's where I was supposed to be on my schedule and I was scared I'd kill the plants if I participated) and after _that_ I climbed the rock wall. Then I struggled through lunch.

I got a check up in the infirmary, scouting out where I would find bandages and such to steal. I swept through my room once more, and I ate dinner. Then, I waited for the camp to fall asleep.


	16. circling (round three)

_The wind_ _howled as we soared over Europe. It was late at night, and I sat in the crow's nest, sobbing._

 _One secret. One damn secret that I always hated myself for. Pretty soon, everyone would hate me._

 _Favonious had been my initial alarm- I had actually read up quite a bit on Greek mythology after the Titan War. And I knew, as soon as I recognized him, that he had once been in love with a mortal man._

 _I wondered if he knew I also was attracted to boys. If he was trying to reassure me, or perhaps test Jason to see if he would care. I didn't know. But our parallels were obvious to me regardless._

 _And Eros confirmed my suspicions almost immediately. I knew what he wanted. I just had hoped I was wrong._

 _So we got the sceptor. But was it worth it? Would we even need it in the end? And my secret was out. Everyone would find out and be disgusted. Hazel would push me away. What bits of a friendship I had with Leo would crumble. The rest of the Argonauts (at least as I always called them, on the ship) would tell Percy and Annabeth, as soon as they came back from... from Tartarus._

 _I tried to mop up my eyes, make it look like I wasn't crying, and started to make my way down to where Leo always worked on Festus._

 _As I walked down the hall, Jason's door opened._

 _"Nico?" he asked, eyebrows raised. "Are you okay?"_

 _I opened my mouth to provide a dismissive "I'm fine", when he leaned a little closer._

 _"Have you been crying?"_

 _Stunned, I hesitated before trying to deny the claim, but he clearly didn't believe me._

 _"Hey," he said, voice soft as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "Nobody here would care if they knew about... earlier today. But I'm not going to tell them. It's not my place."_

 _I relaxed slightly. "Right. Thanks."_

 _He smiled_ _and lifted his hand, waving as he left._

 _/-/_

 _I had promised myself that the next time I came out to someone, it would be by choice. But Reyna had just found out I was gay._

 _What could I do? I had to get the Pallas Athena to the camp. Would the Romans trust me once they realized I knew the Greeks? Hell, would the Greeks trust me even if I came with a gift?_

 _No- the whole point was that the Romans were returning what they stole from the Greeks. Regardless of whether or not they trust me. So I couldn't finish this without Reyna. But she also needed me._

 _So at least she wouldn't kill me or anything. Not that I really believed she would._

 _But did I have to kill that guy like that? I had never done anything like that before. The pure power I felt, coursing through my veins. My anger being released mercilessly._ _It was sweet relief, a release of pent-up anger that no melt down had released for years. But the horror in Reyna and Coach Hedge's eyes overwhelmed me with shame as soon as I had finished, before I had passed out_.

/-/

 _The shame was there for the rest of the journey- it would be for the rest of my life, honestly. How could I look anyone in the eye what with what I've done?_

 _Those three campers, Will, Lou, and Cecil, were probably the hardest to look in the eye. Because if they knew, how would they understand? They lived in Camp Half-Blood, protected by Chiron, shielded from the world._

 _They knew life was tough, but they had no idea how it really was out there for a demigod. So I tried to focus on killing Octavian and getting out of there._

 _But next thing I knew, a fight had broken out- Romans and Greeks versus the monsters Octavian had accumulated._

 _I fought besides Jason, slashing down monsters as quickly as I could. But my determination to focus on monsters fled the moment Will appeared beside me, calling me to stop Octavian._

 _I failed him. I couldn't stop Octavian. No one could. He was completely mad, driven crazy by power. We all saw what he didn't: his toga, caught on the lever. No amount of reason would dissuade him._

 _As I watched him launch into the sky, my heart plummeted to my stomach. A golden dragon was poised in the sky- Festus. And with him, who else but Leo?_ _I_ _squinted at the bright light caused by the crash. I remembered Leo occasionally thinking out loud to me. Something about Festus's body being rebuilt, and finding his way back to- Ogygia. That was it. Calypso._

I _relaxed slightly. Some deaths were meant to happen. Leo- I could feel it. He would be fine. He had a plan. But still... I killed Octavian. Or helped him kill himself. Right in front of a camper, too._

 _But_ _Will wasn't just a camper. He understood, I think. He was a medic, he knew some deaths were out of our control._

 _I took a deep breath and told myself that everything would be okay. It was the first time in at least a year that I had genuinely believed it, too._

 _But_ _late at night, or when I was overwhelmed, or sometimes just randomly, I'd get flashes of memories. Percy telling me Bianca died. King Minos, and the Labyrinth. The jar, Tartarus. Eros. Pure fear in Reyna's and Coach Hedge's eyes as they watched me send a demigod- a completely living demigod- to the underworld by sheer willpower._

 _It_ _was living my worst memories, over and over again. No matter what I did, I could never stop the onslaught of memories once I was truly immersed._

 _Circling, circling, circling. That's all my brain, my memories, did. Circled round and around, constantly taunting me._


	17. guarding a tower of ancients

After recovering from my flashbacks, I peered out my window- it wasn't quite dark yet, as the sun always sets later in the summer, but it was getting late, I was sure. I snatched my jacket and slid my backpack on my back.

My letter to Will was in my hand. I opened the door and started to leave. Suddenly, I realized- there was _another_ campfire tonight. Gods, how many did those people need?

However, I decided to, for once, look on the bright side. Everyone, including Will, would be there. The infirmary would be abandoned, and camp would seemingly be empty.

So onwards I went, dashing for the Big House. Lightly, I ran up the steps and onto the porch, entering the buulding and closing the door behind me.

I could walk to the infirmary blindfolded and not get lost, so I had no problem rushing over to it, composing myself before entering. I doubted anyone was in there- Will and his siblings tended to get everyone in and out pretty quickly.

I opened the door and found a single child of Hecate lying in a bed, sleeping soundly. I allowed myself a sigh of relief before continuing.

Will's desk was close to the door, I recalled. Quickly, I managed to pinpoint which it was, and dropped the paper with his name on it. Then, I scanned the room. Finding a cart with supplies on it, I stepped over to it and started to grab a fistful of bandages when the door began to open.

Panic swelled in my throat and I dashed back to Will's desk, hiding underneath it. Anyone would be suspicious if they found me, but if it was a child of Apollo, they'd immediately get Will, and if it was Will...

I just hoped it wasn't Will.

"Nico," called a voice softly. I cursed mentally as Will continued his sentence. "Nico, I know you're in here, I just wanted to check in on you."

My heart beated in my throat as I struggled to breath despite my adrenaline.

I heard footsteps approaching and I squeezed closer to the desk. I heard the sound of his chair rolling away, and of paper being opened. _Gods, damn it all,_ I thought. _Why did I have to leave him that paper?_

I was just trying to protect myself. Protect myself from the nasty lies and rumors that other campers told. From the eventual loss of what friendships I had. From the eventual disappointment I'd bring everyone I love. I was just trying to build a tower to hide myself away in.

"Gods, no," Will murmured after a moment or two of (assumably) reading. "Nico, _please_ , if you're in here still..."

I held my breath for a moment. Will sounded genuinely pained. After my moment of hesitation, I settled on my next move.

"If I'm in here still, what?" I asked.

"Oh, thank God!" Will practically dropped to his knees. " _Nico!_ Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry." I didn't sound sorry at all, but I really was. Will started to go in for a hug and stopped short.

"Uh- is it okay if I hug you?" he asked shakily, voice still soft.

Stunned by the unexpected emotion, I nodded. Immediately, I was engulfed in a tight hug. A surprisingly nice one, at that.

"I don't know what I would've done if you'dve really left."

The words echoed back to me in my head. _If you'dve really left._ The strength in the expressed sentiment almost made me fall backward.

"Sorry," I choked out again. My throat was tight, and I felt tears prickling at the corners of my eyes.

"It's okay," he whispered to me soothingly. "Or, it'll be okay, at least."

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as my chin rested on Will's shoulder.

We sat silently on the floor for another moment or two before I took a deep breath once more and stood. The silence was starting to become too much, so I spoke, my voice still shaking.

"I just- everyone- all the other campers hate me. They- they _all_ think I summoned that hellhound. Even the Hypnos cabin is on edge around me."

Will's eyes studied my face, his eyebrows slightly drawn closer together. But he made no attempt to speak, so I kept going.

"And I don't mean to throw so many gods-damned pity parties, but I really, actually think _everybody_ here hates me. Not the hyperbolic, figurative everybody. It's just me against the fucking _world_ most days."

I thrusted a hand into my hair, gripping a chunk of strands that perpetually fell in my eyes, shoving the hair back. Then I slowly relaxed my hand and took a deep breath.

"And the one person still at this camp who _doesn't_ hate me is you. And I'm trying to protect myself now. From the day you change your mind, or get bored, or- or _something_ else happens and I'm alone again. But it's really hard."

Will looked like he really wanted to say something, and I fell silent, but he didn't speak.

I felt my fingertips buzzing, almost as if they were numb. Tears still threatened to spill out of my eyes.

"Everything is hard. Following the schedule, brushing off the comments everyone makes, seeing the silver lining. And I would- I don't know where I would- I have no where else to go, but a lot of the time, anywhere is better than this."

I wanted to shut up _so badly_. None of this was Will's fault. But like I said, I was trying to push him away. I was succeeding, probably. And I finally fell silent.

And then once again, Will said, very softly, "Can I give you another hug?"

And instead of waiting for him to hug me, I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him.


	18. shooting down arrows of patience

I usually hated hugs, but this one- it wasn't bad. After a moment or two, I drew a deep breath and stepped back.

"You've been through a lot," Will said after the silence had dragged a little. "The fact that you're still standing in front of me is an incredible testament to your strength. If you- if you left camp, I know you would find a way to keep on keeping on."

Slightly confused, I stared at Will, trying to understand what he was doing.

"But if you stayed at camp, we could clear the rumors, tell everyone the truth. I know that there's gotta be at least a handful of campers other than you and me who believe something different."

"But-" I tried to say.

"No, I'm sure of it," Will said, cutting me off. "And I promise you, I will not get bored of you. Because our friendship isn't for my entertainment. I won't leave, and nothing is going to happen to me."

"But how can you promise that?" I asked with narrowed eyes. "You have no power over the future. No one knows what might happen. Tomorrow, next month, in a year- how much time we have left is anyone's guess."

"Nico, please. I can hold my own if I have to. You saw me in that battle against Gaea, right? I came out perfectly fine, just a few scratches. And that was in a crazy, confusing fight where everyone was fighting everyone. I know you've lost a lot. But that's why you should enjoy the time you have with someone before you seperate."

The optimism irked me a little, but I brushed my annoyance aside. "But when your fears are constantly playing in the back of your mind, it's hard to enjoy anything."

"Sometimes, you just have to live with those fears. It sucks, but that's the way things are," Will answered gently.

I stopped short at that statement. "I mean- I guess. But how am I supposed to 'clear my name', so to speak?"

Will gave a thoughtful hum. "I'd start by talking to Chiron, if I were you. Tell him what you know about the situation, that you aren't involved, and about the accusations. Chiron is reasonable, and he must know it isn't you."

"Does he, though? I'm a child of Hades. We have awful reputations. I'm sure it wouldn't surprise him if I were behind the attack. And it was a hellhound, for Zeus's sake. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I were behind it."

Will threw me a skeptical stare. "Nico. This is Chiron we're talking about. He understands that you aren't your family. Of all people, he should, what with the- gods, what are they called? The Party Ponies? He has no room to judge."

I tried to repress a snort. "I don't know if he's technically related to them, but I suppose you're right, regardless, seeing as his father is Kronus."

Will nodded. "That would've been the better example, I suppose. More boring, for sure."

"Boring? I beg to differ. I'd hardly consider Kronus himself boring. Heinous, sure, but boring?" I retorted.

"Fine, you win," he said with a grin. "But, just to be clear, are you staying now?"

There was a pause as the question hung in the air. "Yes. Okay. I'm staying."

Will's freckled face bore a giant smile. "Good. I'm- I really am glad."

I couldn't help but give a much smaller smile in return. "But I'm not going to another campfire. Not for a good while."

"That's fair enough."

We fell into a comfortable silence, but before either of us had another chance to speak, the door opened.

A brown haired boy appeared, poking his head in. "Oh, hey, there you are Will," he said. I recognized him as a son of Hermes, Cecil, I was pretty sure. "You didn't show up for campfire, Lou and I were gettin' a little worried!"

"Is campfire already over?" I asked, slightly startled. Cecil looked over at me, seeming surprised to see me.

"Oh, uh. Not quite yet, almost though." He glanced away from me, and my heart started to sink. I had forgotten, just for a little while, that so many people thought that I was a menace to be avoided. But what he said next surprised me.

"Sorry, Will, didn't realize you were busy. I'll leave you to it," he had said, waggling his eyebrows.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I started to say.

"Go to Tartarus, Cecil," Will said at the same time.

My fingers clenched instinctively but I said nothing.

"What? I'm just trying to be a considerate friend!"

"Considerate my ass, there's nothing for you to consider!" Will bit back. At first I was astonished by how upfront and rude he was being. But then I caught the playful undertones in his voice and eyes.

"So you mean I wasn't interrupting some weird romantic-tension-filled moment between you and Nico? Like the time Lou and I totally didn't witness the same kind of romantic-tension-filled moment while we messed with the Romans' shit?"

My mind kept repeating Will's words back to me though.

 _Go to Tartarus go to Tartarus go to Tartarus. Tartarus Tartarus Tartarus._

"What? No!" Will practically squeaked. "There are no weird romantic moments or whatever."

Try as I did, I just couldn't shake the word out of my mind. Tears started to return to my eyes, and my fingernails started to dig into my arms.

"Whatever you say man- hey, Nico are you okay?" Cecil asked, interrupting himself. "Look, I didn't mean to offend you or anything."

"I- I'm fine. I just… just a bit… I'm just a little tired," I managed to say, focusing on keeping my voice mostly steady. Will placed a warm hand on my shoulder.

"Hey," he told me softly. "Deep breaths."

I tried to take a deep breath in, but started to panic, feeling as though I were out of air. I found myself starting to hyperventilate as more and more memories drifted back to me.


	19. and patiently circling

_Tartarus. Right below my feet was Tartarus. All it would take is one swift step. A jump._ _Hell, a tumble would do._

 _I had to do this. There were so many reasons why- I was a son of Hades. I was one of the only demigods, if not the only, who could fully see and understand what it was like down there._

 _And the Doors of Death had to be closed. I had already taken advantage of them, so I had that adding on to my reasons._

 _It was dangerous. But nobody would really notice or care. And thank the gods Percy didn't even remember who I was._

Stop stalling, _I scolded myself mentally. And then I jumped._

 _I think that the only reason I didn't die falling was because I had a right to be there. It was an extension of the underworld, and my birthright was being able to wander any part of the underworld I chose._

 _It was awful. It looked completely horrifying. The body of Tartarus. An actual_ body _of Tartarus. That's what I walked on. It smelled completely disgusting. Most demigods would've been somewhat protected from it all. But, as I said. My birthright._

 **Nico. Nico, take deep breaths.**

 _There were countless horrors down there. I was the first, the only demigod, as far as I knew, to go to Tartarus. Alone again._

 _There were those awful beasts, who unleashed a curse on its killer, one that someone had spoken. But I didn't notice any curses landing on me. Either nobody had ever cursed me, or their curses had all already been applied to me._

 _I certainly felt plenty cursed already- I was in pain, and full of self-loathing, and already had lived a miserable life._

 **Hey, Nico, can you describe the room?**

The room? It was the infirmary, right? Or- maybe it wasn't.

 _Misery stared at me, cooing about how perfectly miserable I already was. There was nothing she could do to further harm me._

 _The words made me want to vomit. The perfect display of misery?_

 _Why did that surprise me? There was absolutely no reason for surprise, as I myself had said something similar to myself countless times._

The room. There were roughly a dozen beds. A couple desks where those in charge could keep track of patients and supplies. There was a rolling stack of trays with ambrosia on it, and bandages, and other medical supplies.

 _The worst part of my trip to Tartarus: knowing I would've always failed. You need two parties, one to close either side. And you needed two parties to even escape._

 _I was stuck down here._

 _No, wait. Their plan was never to leave me down here to die. If I died on my way, well, that'd be fine. But they weren't going to go out of their way to kill me._

 _What was their plan? Putting me in a vase._

There was still that kid- a child of Hypnos. He was pretending to still be asleep. Will was beside me, watching me with an expression of clear concern. Cecil seemed frozen at the door.

 _The vase. The vase. Pomegranate seeds and the vase. Hopeless. When I wasn't in my death trance, I could hear snippets of their plans._

 _But I couldn't tell them it would never work. Nobody would come save me. Nobody cared. Only Hazel, and she was all the way in California._

 _But they did come. There was bread. And some people I've never met. And Percy. Annabeth and Jason. Hazel and Frank._

 **Can you drink some water?**

I nodded.

 _It was a relief to leave the group after the incident with Cupid. I was walking on eggshells around Jason. And Percy and Annabeth had just returned from Tartarus._

 _Reyna, Coach Hedge, the Pallas Athena, and I, all on one hellish trip to New York._

 _Pompeii. Werewolves. Working with the Amazonians and the Huntresses. Even just working near the Huntresses and seeing Thalia was hard. Each one of them reminded me of Bianca._

My shaking hand held a paper cup of water. I slowly sipped at it, but each swallow felt like I was choking.

 _By far the most painful part of this journey was that battle. The one that I could hardly call a battle, the one against Reyna's... friend? Colleague? Former peer?_

 _Regardless. Watching him slowly turn into a ghost, banishing him to the underworld as he plead for mercy. The absolute power high that quickly led to me noticing the intense fear in Reyna and Coach Hedge's eyes._

 _It was too much. I was despicable._

 **Deep breaths.**

 _Just as despicable on the last day of the war. I was about to kill Octavian in cold blood. I was about to die, too, though._

 _And then there was Will._

Will watched me take deep breaths. Occasionally, I would take a sip of water. Everything was starting to fade, piece by piece.

 _"Octavian" was all he had to say, and I went running._ Deep breath in, hold to three. Deep breath out.

 _Directly in Octavian's path was Gaea. Octavian, in his craze, had become entangled with the onager, and hadn't even noticed._ _I remembered my father's words- some deaths can't be prevented. Some shouldn't._ I placed the cup on top of the desk in front of me. I had been leaning against it heavily, so I pushed myself off before wiping my eyes.

 _Octavian launched, soaring towards-_ I pushed the memory away. "Okay. I'm okay now. I think." My sentences were broken, starting and stopping sporadically.

Will reached for my shoulder, stopping short. "May I?" I nodded, and he rubbed my shoulder gently. "Can I ask- um, what triggered... what triggered the flashbacks?"

I drew a deep breath before speaking. "It was- when- well, you said..."

Will seemed to stiffen slightly. "I said...?"

"Go to- go to Tartarus."

He seemed frozen momentarily, but then started to talk. "I'm so sorry Nico, I didn't- it never occured to me that... I'm sorry."

His apologies astounded me. "What? It- it's not your fault."

"I still shouldn't have said that." He paused. "It's getting late. You're probably exhausted. Let's get you to bed."

Together we walked to my cabin, Will carrying my backpack I had taken. The idea of running away was laughable now.

We stopped outside my cabin. I gave him a quick hug, a quiet "Thank you" and then took my backpack and went to bed.


	20. you dont have to hold your head up (2)

I woke up the next morning to light shining in through my window. For a moment, I wondered what had woken me up, but a knock at the door answered my question.

Heaving myself out of bed, I smoothed out my shirt as I approached the door. It opened, revealing, as usual, a smiling Will.

"Hey, Nico!" he said. "You slept through breakfast- I thought you could use the break. I brought you some toast and an apple, though."

He handed me the food he had mentioned, and I took it mindlessly, murmuring a thanks. While I wasn't particularly hungry, I knew that I was supposed to eat something for breakfast.

"Anyways, I was wondering if you were planning on seeing Chiron today about the hellhound?"

I furrowed my eyebrows for a secone before recalling our conversation last night that occurred before my panic attack. (Flashbacks? Mental breakdown? I wasn't sure what they were considered.)

"Oh, yeah," I said at last. "Yeah, I think I should do that today."

"I'll go with you, if you want," Will offered.

I considered it for a moment. It would be really nice to have some emotional support. And Will was a trusted camper, who could vouch for me if Chiron suspected me. And I really, really could use some emotional support. Very much.

"That'd be much appreciated."

The two of us made our way to the Big House. My heart was pounding a little harder than I'd prefer. After all the monsters I've faced, it should take more than a confrontation and an attractive boy to get me nervous, especially with said attractive boy being on my side.

 _Not attractive,_ I almost thought scoldingly. But my attraction towards Will was something beyond denying at this point. I just had to try to keep it from growing. No big deal.

Will flashed me a smile as we reached the door. "You got this!" he said.

There goes that plan.

I opened the door at an agonizingly slow pace, letting it creak. Taking a deep breath, I stepped in, trying to steady my shaking hands. "Chiron?" I called apprehensively.

Chiron, who was sitting at a table in his wheelchair, looked up. "Ah, Nico. I was wondering when I might see you. I assume this is about the attack the other day?"

"Y- yeah," I said, startled. "I just wanted to say, it wasn't my fault. When I-"

"I know."

"In the forest, I- what?"

"I know. Before breakfast this morning, the newest Ares kid, Kylie, came in to tell me she had learned how to summon monsters to practice on. She hadn't managed to kill the hellhounds, so when one attacked camp, she felt awful. She only managed to work up the nerve to tell me today. I expect she'll tell the rest of camp before long."

The sudden solution, and the lack of drama (for the most part) astounded me. It had just resolved, without any intervention on my part. I turned to leave silently, feeling a bit awkward.

"She also said she felt really bad about how the campers blamed you," Chiron added.

"Th- thanks, I guess..." I said. "I"m... uh, I'm just gonna go now."

"Take care, Nico. Tell Will the infirmary is getting restocked tomorrow, please."

Will, who had been hovering outside the door, out of sight, poked his head in. "Thanks, Chiron, not eavesdropping, Nico asked me to be here, bye," he explained rapidly with a grin. I scoffed at him as I left the Big House.

"You're such a dork."

"What? How am I a dork?" Will asked incredulously.

I gave him my best Look, before shrugging. "Whatever. I guess you're an oblivious dork. It's okay, it's a cute look on you."

Will's face went bright red. My brain felt like it was short-circuiting. _Gods, why did I_ have _to say that?_ I thought to myself scathingly.

"Well, I guess I'd better go," I told him, rapidly turning to leave. A warm hand grasped my arm.

"Wait," he said, before releasing my arm. "Uh. Shit, gimme a second, my brain is trying very hard to process right now."

I clenched my hands, fighting to steady my nerves. We stood silently for a moment.

"Did you, um, call me cute?" he asked at long last. Seeing no other option, I nodded. "Well, uh... for what it's worth I think you're pretty cute, too.

My face burned, but I was miraculously saved from answering when an Apollo kid ran up to where we stood. "Will! A fifteen year old Ares kid broke their leg on the climbing wall!" they shouted, halted feet away instead of just walking closer and not having to shout. I almost roll my eyes.

Will turned to his sibling and nodded. "I'll be right there." He glanced at me. "We'll continue this conversation later, if that's okay?"

I barely had time to nod before he was gone, rushing off to help some poor camper.

Now on my own, I took a deep breath, and held it for three seconds, forcing myself to calm down. Given how nervous this spur of the moment conversation made me, I was _not_ looking forward to whenever we picked it back up. Which would hopefully be a long time away.

I hadn't meant to slip up like that. And I was certainly having a hard time suppressing my feelings now. But Will called me cute, too. Maybe it wouldn't be an awful conversation.

 _But what if it is?_ a small part of me wondered. _I should_ _act like it never happened._

 _Wait, no,_ another part argued. _That's_ _an awful idea._ _Maybe just stall until I'm ready for the conversation?_

 _I'm never gonna be ready!_ the first part snapped.

 _Then until I'm ready to be brave,_ the other part said.

I scowled at myself and crammed my hands into my pockets. I'm being a coward, and I know that. But sometimes being a coward is better than being brave.


	21. round and round (third)

At some point or another, I sat down in the grass, a few feet away from the Big House. Right where mine and Will's conversation ended. The one where I called him cute by accident.

 _And he called me cute, too,_ my brain reminded me gleefully. I told my brain to shut up.

An Ares kid broke their leg on the climbing wall. Big surprise, there. Ares kids are stereotypically reckless.

 _Stop trying to distract yourself. You know you need to think of what to say when Will comes back._

So I focused my efforts on that for the fifteen to thirty minutes it took Will to sort out the broken leg. Nothing came up.

When he walked out of the infirmary and over to where I sat, I stood up.

"Okay, I think I got what I wanted to say now," he told me. "I really like you. Like, not as a friend."

I was stunned into silence for a moment. "I- same. Me too. To you."

Will flushed, but continued speaking. "I just think... you need to worry about yourself right now. You're, to my best guess, struggling with PTSD. That's not an easy burden, and fighting it takes energy. And I don't ever want either of us to feel like we started or stayed in a relationship because you might have felt a sense of obligation to me because I'm helping you. So, if a time comes where you're doing better, and you still feel the same, we can revisit this."

I listened carefully, slowly processing his words.

"I don't think that I'm feeling anything out of obligation. But I understand, and I respect that," I said at last. "So we can talk about this again when I'm better. But when am I deemed better?"

There was a moment where Will was silent. He held his breath for a moment, before speaking. "It's... not the same with everyone. I think, one day you wake up, and you realize it's different. You wake up and you realize you haven't considered running away in weeks. Or you feel more hopeful. I don't know for sure, but I think _you_ will when it comes to it."

Nodding, I pretended to understand. _What kinda bull-_ I started to think, before cutting myself off. _Positive thoughts, Nico. Someday, soon hopefully, you'll be better._

"Hey, I wonder if there are any demigod therapists," Will mused. "I bet New Rome should have some."

I glared at him, but my fierce tone was missing its bite. "You better not set me up with a therapist, Will. I am not talking about my past with a complete stranger."

The son of Apollo shrugged with a smile. "Therapy's helped a lot of people. You don't have to do it, though," he said.

"I don't think it's for me," I answered, doubt heavily present in my voice.

"Well, that's fine. I personally think it's a very useful tool for recovering from a trauma, but no one can force you to do anything you don't want to. Except eating, I think. If you don't want to eat, well, too bad." Will flashed a playful grin at that last bit.

"As if you could," I shot back. "Anyways... what's first on the agenda?"

"Hmm... I think you can do whatever you want. I'll go with you if you want. The world is your oyster. And by world I mean the camp, we can't actually cross the border."

"Dang, no world domination?" I paused. "Honestly, could I just chill in a tree or something?"

"Like... lying under the tree, or climbing it?"

"Climbing it," I said decisively

"I mean... I guess. You can't jump out of it, of course. And try not to fall. But yeah, sure, we can go chill in trees."

We stayed near the edge of the border, able to see out into the mortal world but not quite a part of it. I sat from a sturdy branch, back against the trunk and one foot dangling. Twelve feet (I think, I'm still used to the metric system) below me, Will's blond hair glinted in the light as he laid in the grass, eyes closed.

He opened them quickly, and caught me staring, flashing a smile in response. I wrinkled my nose back at him playfully before reclining slightly, closing my eyes to enjoy the warm summer air.

When I opened my eyes again, the sun was considerably lower in the sky, and Will was calling my name from his spot in the grass.

"Nico, it's time to go to dinner."

I quickly descended from the oak tree, jumping off one of the lower branches. As I landed, Will flinched. "Oh, relax, I'm fine. Let's go," I said, offering a small smile. "Gotta admit, it gets kinda old, eating alone every meal, though."

Will nodded. "I'm sure it is," he agreed. He stared off into the distance thoughtfully. "Hey, you know what? I think I have an idea."

There was a mischievous look in his eye, and I found myself agreeing immediately.

I was honestly a bit surprised at the plan Will proposed: I was to summon a zombie or two (Will quickly and fervently insisted that I was careful not to go overboard), and say that it wasn't a conscious use of power. Will could then say that, in his medical opinion, I couldn't sit alone during meals.

"Then you can sit with me and the Apollo kids!" he finished enthusiastically. After a pause, he hastily added "Or whatever other cabin you choose!"

"Nah, I'd sit with you guys. The other cabins... I don't think they'd be as willing," I said. "You think that'll work?"

One zombie, several screams, and a hasty diagnosis later, it became clear that yes, Will's plan would work, though with an incredible amount of skepticism on Chiron's end.

I don't think I've ever dismissed a skeleton as cheerfully as I had that day.

 **a/n** **whew sorry for the delay my homework load is Hefty this year and i went through a minor writers block but i finished! just wanted some light fluff :)**

 **thanks for all the** **kind reviews, they really help inspire me to keep writing this!! 3**


	22. i wont run away this time (2)

I sat at the Apollo table, listening to the conversations overlapping loudly around me.

"Hey, you good?" Will asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Huh? Oh, I'm okay. I'm just not used to all this talking during a meal, I guess. I mean, being _right_ there by the talking."

"You'll adjust eventually," he assured me with a smile. "And everyone's leaving in a few weeks, anyway, so it'll just be us, Kayla, and Austin, I think, at this table."

He pointed out each of his siblings as he mentioned them, and my stomach twisted. Most of camp was going to leave in a few weeks. I knew it was coming, but I wasn't quite ready for the change in schedule, the slower, less intense days, the Camp Half Blood I was first introduced to, years ago, with Bianca, but hadn't _really_ been a part of since. It was one thing to see it occasionally during odd jobs from Hades that occasionally sent me to camp, but to be _part_ of it again...

"Hey," Will said again, quietly. I realized that my hands were balled into fists, gripping my knees, and that my jaw was clenched, and my breathing had speed up considerably. "Is everything okay?"

I took a deep breath, opening my hands and stretching my fingers out. "Yeah, I'm just... worried."

"What about?" he asked. "If you wanna talk about it. If not, it's fine."

I couldn't help but notice how closely he leaned towards me, his voice a low murmur to prevent his nosy siblings from listening in on our conversation. Butterflies rose in my stomach, but I forced my mind off them; I didn't need to _add_ to my anxiety. "I'm worried about things, I guess. I don't have much reason to be worried, but like..." I paused, trying to decide how best to explain my predicament. "The last time I stayed at camp for the off-season, I was... what, eleven? My sister died while I stayed here. Logically, I know I have nothing to fear, but still, I don't know _what_ I'm expecting, but it's not good."

Will considered my words for a moment. "That sounds pretty normal to me. Something awful happened while you were here, the first of many awful things, and this is probably your brain trying to stop anything else from happening. It sucks, I know, but as long as you build some happy memories of camp in place of the bad ones, the fear will even out."

As I tried to decide on an adequate response, loud kazooing bursted out from further down the table.

"Hey!" Will snapped, head turned in the direction of the sound. "What's the rule about instruments during meal time?"

The kazoo-er hung their head. "No instruments, because it leads to choking, ruined instruments, or the Ares cabin attacking us," they muttered shamefully.

I glanced over my shoulder at the Ares table, where a few campers were already glaring at the Apollo table, cracking their knuckles or gripping their sheathed weapons. My vision flickered over to Chiron, who I noticed was pointedly focusing on his meal, pretending not to notice anything, clearly not interested in getting involved in any quarrels.

"Anyways, what's on the agenda today?" Will wondered aloud, pulling out his schedule. I looked on from his shoulder.

"Hey, what's with the highlighted activities?" I asked, gently brushing my fingers over one of such activities (archery).

"Oh, that," Will said, flushing red. "Um..."

I studied the paper closer. "Hey, don't I have that activity with you?" I paused, realizing what it was. "Hah, nerd, you highlighted our shared activities!"

"Shut up," he answered, shoving his shoulder into mine playfully. "Anyways, I'm working a shift in the infirmary today, wanna help?"

"Sure. As long as it's during my free period."

"It is," Will promised. "I know because we have that at the same time. _That's_ why highlighting is important. Now, I gotta get my cabin to- gods help me- music lessons. And I _swear_ , if Axel insists on bringing their kazoo, I will insist on practicing my piccolo, which I am infamously bad at."

"Oh, hey, that's the mini flute, right?" I asked. "I used to play flute."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah, and piano. And viola. I had a lot of free time when I was on my own, so I usually summoned ghosts that could teach me stuff. Kept me busy, but not much was very modern. Like, I don't know _any_ math above fifth grade."

"Well, you win some, you lose some, I guess," Will said with a grin. "What're you up to first today?"

"Well, I'm _supposed_ to be learning about herbs and plants and stuff from one of the satyrs, but he's still sick and his usual Demeter sub got demoted after the, uh, poison ivy incident yesterday, so Chiron cancelled it until a more suitable substitue can be found, or our regular teacher recovers."

"Oh, okay, so what are you doing instead?"

"Sort of wanna see the end of this kazoo quarrel, not gonna lie. I'm _very_ excited to see if you end up pulling out a piccolo."

"Oh, well in _that_ case, I won't be using a piccolo. Don't wanna embarrass myself. Maybe you can teach me piano instead," Will suggested.

"Isn't it a lesson, though?" I asked, puzzled.

"Well, it's more of a musical free-for-all."

"Ah, okay," I said. "I suppose I could brush up on my piano playing skills."

I studied his hands. "Yeah, you've got piano fingers, I think, so you should be able to reach all the keys."

"Oh, joy, I've always wanted to reach keys," Will teased, bumping me again. He drank the last of the milk in his cup and stood up. I followed in suit, and we walked to the place where the instruments were kept (I had never been there, truth be told).


	23. till you show my what this life's for(3)

The music "free-for-all", as Will had put it, proved extremely chaotic. The kazoo feud continued in earnest, though Will wasn't really involved at this point.

As it turns out, it's quite hard to focus on playing piano when a) a group of Apollo kids are arguing the merits of kazoos and whether they should be considered an instrument or a toy and b) when Will is sitting directly next to me, right arm pressed against my left, watching my every move.

The good news is that I had already had a muscle memory for playing piano when I first remember learning (implying I learned originally before the Lotus Casino), which makes it so much easier to fall back into habit. When I first sat down, I pecked at a few keys experimentally. It slowly morphed into the first two notes of _Für Elise,_ which slowly gave way to the actual song itself.

Eventually, however, I faltered, and part way through the song, my fingers froze and came crashing down on the keyboard in a dissonant chord of scattered keys.

"That was really good," Will said, eyebrows raised in an impressed expression.

"What, the agonizingly slow beginning or the glorious crash-and-burn ending?" I asked, only a hint of bitterness in the question.

"The part in the middle," Will retorted, almost defensively, bumping my shoulder. "It was nice."

I gave a noncommital hum, but inside, a spark of pleasure lit at the notion of Will enjoying music _I_ made.

After my dabble of a return to the piano, we went our separate ways so I could practice sword fighting and Will could try to corral the Apollo cabin towards the lake for a final water training session.

It was during lunch that Annabeth and Percy, looking worse for wear, showed up from their quest for Iris. They stumbled into the dining area, exhaustion etched into their faces. "Well," Percy said as the camp stared at the two in shock. "Iris is fine. Nothing to do with the communication."

He swayed slightly and Will jumped up. "Let's get you two off to the infirmary, just to make sure you aren't seriously injured. Nico, help?" said the son of Apollo, the last sentence shot out as he glanced backwards at me, mild panic on his face. I leaped up and made quick strides over to him.

"Hey, guys... what happened? Are you okay?" I asked, placing a hand on Percy's shoulder, hoping to stop his staggering.

Annabeth nodded. "We had some trouble by the camp border, I'm mostly okay. Percy... overexerted himself, I think. He definitely lost more blood than I did."

I sent a glance Will's way. He was trying as best as he could to make sure Percy wasn't in immediate danger, but since we were walking, I doubted that it was effective (or even necessary).

"Really," Annabeth assured us. "Everything's fine, we just have some injuries. Will can fix us up pretty fast, I'm sure."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah..." I trailed off, thoughts roaring in my mind as I frantically tried to solve this mystery. "Iris is fine... who could possibly have to do with this, then?"

I glanced at Annabeth, her grey eyes dark and stormy. "I've got a feeling," she said lowly, in a foreboding tone, "that whoever caused Iris messages to go out, has to do with our prophetic powers going out."

"Wait, what?" Will asked. Panic flashed in his eyes for a moment before disappearing.

"Yeah, Rachel's powers aren't working. Like, she hasn't had a prophecy in a while, which isn't necessarily odd, but it _feels_ different this time, she says. She said she feels... empty, like her powers are gone."

I exchanged a glance with Will. This wasn't good.

"So, uh, what exactly did you find? How do you know Iris is fine?" I asked.

"Well, we found Artemis while looking for Iris. She said that Iris wasn't the problem, and that the communication problem wasn't ours to fix," Percy explained as he gingerly lied himself down on an infirmary bed. "Finally, a problem that _isn't_ my responsibility."

"Artemis?" Will echoed, confused.

"Yeah. We're not entirely sure why it was her. Then we went back to camp. Got attacked on the way. Now, we're here," Annabeth said.

Will finished bandaging Percy, handing him a square of ambrosia. "You'll be fine, just take it easy for a few days, and don't stand up until you finish the ambrosia, okay?" He turned to check Annabeth, which only took him a few moments. "You're both fine."

"Could've told you that," Percy muttered. "But thanks."

I stood there, watching the other three demigods, but completely tuning them out. My thoughts were racing, going much too quickly to explain to anyone else– hell, _I_ could hardly understand them.

I felt a growing pit of frustration in my stomach as I repeatedly tried to make sense of my thoughts. But no matter how many times I went over the facts again in my head, I just ended where I started: _Artemis?_

It was a loop, circling in my head- _Iris, Artemis, prophecy, what?_ For a second, Apollo came to mind– between the lack of prophecies and the involvement of his sister, it wouldn't be farfetched to believe that the sun god could be involved. But I also felt like there would be some signs within the Apollo cabin. And it didn't explain the communication problems.

I was so sucked into my thoughts that I didn't notice Percy and Annabeth leaving. Or Will approaching. I flinched when he placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry," he said, removing his hand. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry, I just... got sucked into... thoughts," I explained, trailing off.

"Alright, what're you thinking?' he asked, perching on a counter behind him. "I have a feeling you have some thoughts."

"I don't know." The three words are filled to the brim with frustration. "I'm spiraling, I can't connect all the dots. Iris to Artemis to prophecy– Apollo? Doesn't feel right. This isn't connecting, and it doesn't feel right. Doesn't– none of this _feels right!"_

I ended at a yell, hands gripped into tight fists, slightly hunched over.

"Hey," Will said softly, not moving from his spot. "We'll figure it out. We just don't have all the pieces yet."

"Yeah..."

He hesitantly patted me on the shoulder. "Now... wanna help me cut bandages?"

 **A/N** **and another chapter agonizingly cranked out. imma be real, im only continuing this fic because i feel like i have to. i dont know if anybody's reading, but sorry if quality drops beyond how low it already is. i had angst to work through when i started this fic and i started seeing a therapist partway through so now i just want fluff. but thatll come soon hopefully, im just worried this is becoming more repetetive and completely implausible/out of character. so if you are reading still, please tell me what youd like to see. thanks everyone for reading**


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